From b7e787caff6d52a3ceee8be2594126c9db75811a Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: FeGroders Date: Wed, 1 Dec 2021 08:40:06 -0300 Subject: [PATCH] feat: add movie click --- README.md | 9 +- clickSendScript.js | 2402 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 2 files changed, 2407 insertions(+), 4 deletions(-) create mode 100644 clickSendScript.js diff --git a/README.md b/README.md index fcdc35c..9cd3624 100644 --- a/README.md +++ b/README.md @@ -1,12 +1,13 @@ # SendScriptWhatsApp -Código para enviar o Script inteiro de Shrek ou Bee Movie para seus amigos ou grupos do WhatsApp +Código para enviar o Script inteiro de Shrek, Bee Movie ou Click para seus amigos ou grupos do WhatsApp ## Utilização -Abra [shrekSendScript.js](https://github.com/Matt-Fontes/SendScriptWhatsApp/blob/main/shrekSendScript.js) -Ou -Abra [beeMovieSendScript.js](https://github.com/Matt-Fontes/SendScriptWhatsApp/blob/main/beeMovieSendScript.js) +Abra um dos scripts disponíveis: +[shrekSendScript.js](https://github.com/Matt-Fontes/SendScriptWhatsApp/blob/main/shrekSendScript.js) +[beeMovieSendScript.js](https://github.com/Matt-Fontes/SendScriptWhatsApp/blob/main/beeMovieSendScript.js) +[clickSendScript.js](https://github.com/Matt-Fontes/SendScriptWhatsApp/blob/main/clickSendScript.js) Copie todo o conteúdo (clique em raw -> ctrl+a -> ctrl+c) diff --git a/clickSendScript.js b/clickSendScript.js new file mode 100644 index 0000000..00ee755 --- /dev/null +++ b/clickSendScript.js @@ -0,0 +1,2402 @@ +function enviarScript(scriptText) { + const lines = scriptText.split('\n'); + + let i = 0; + + setInterval(() => { + if (i >= lines.length) return; + + if (lines[i].trim() != '') { + console.log(lines[i]); + + window.InputEvent = window.Event || window.InputEvent; + + const event = new InputEvent('input', { bubbles: true }); + + const textbox = document.querySelector('div._2_1wd[data-tab="6"]'); + + textbox.textContent = lines[i]; + + textbox.dispatchEvent(event); + + document.querySelector('button._1E0Oz').click(); + } + i++; + }, 250); +} + +enviarScript(` +CLICK + +Written by Steve Koren & Mark O'Keefe + + +What was going on there, huh? +We thought +you were sleeping, Daddy. +How can I sleep with two +Twinkie burglars roaming around? +Can we watch +Dragon Tales, please? +Yeah. Why not, why not? +Which one of these +turns on the TV? +Honey, I think you +just opened the garage. +I'm just planning ahead. I know. +- P-yew! Was that a stinky-dink bug? +- Good job. +Whatever happened +to the good old days... +...when you pulled the knob +and on came the boob tube? +The O'Doyles got +a universal remote control. +One clicker controls everything. +Makes life a lot easier +for old people like you. +Well, whoop-de-do +for the O'Doyles. +- Tree house? +I don't know. Ask your father. +Ask me what? +Do you think you'll have time +to finish building the tree house ever? +Yeah, Dad. It's kind of been +halfway done for two months now. +All right. I want to, it's just I got a lot +of things going on at work right now. +But as soon as I'm done, I'm on it. +I promise. Hang in there. +Hey, look at Sundance +wrestle his duck. +Oh, no, that's not wrestling. +That's something you shouldn't +know about for another 10 to 30 years. +Ten for you. Thirty for you. +Hey, Michael? I'll see you tonight +at the swim meet? +Swim meet. +- I gotta go to that? +- Yes. +- I'm kidding you. I'll be there. Okay? +- All right. I love you, Michael. +Forever and ever, babe. +Mr. Newman. +Kevin O'Doyle. +Yeah. Always a pleasure. +What kind of stereo you got +in that blue piece of ♥♥♥♥? +You know what? +I never checked, Kevin. +Yeah, well, my father's stereo +is a Bose. +Your father's stereo blows? +That's too bad. +No! I said... That's not what I said! +His father's stereo blows! +Come on! Pay the man, let's go! +- Good morning, Mr. Newman. +- Good morning. +- Good morning, Mr. Newman. +- Hello. +- Good morning, Mr. Newman. +- Hi. +Good morning, Mr. Newman. +- Good morning, Mr. Newman. +- Man, Alice... +...I was stuck in traffic for an hour +and a half. When's the meeting? +- It started already. +- What? +Can I go to the bathroom? +Go to the bathroom. +I told you, you don't have to ask me. +Well, the interesting thing, +Prince Habeeboo... +...is that the building codes +in Manhattan will allow us... +- Michael. +- Sorry I'm late, sir. +Some moron in a red Lamborghini +parked in my spot so... +Prince Habeeboo +drive red Lamborghini. +Red Lamborghini? +I meant blue Ferrari. +Is this one of your partners? +Actually, Michael +is just an associate. +But he is one of our brightest +young architects. +Thank you. +Walk His Majesty +through our design concept. +With pleasure. +- Prince Haboobee... +- Habeeboo! +Prince Habeeboo. +Habeeboo. I thought I said that. +When Mr. Ammer explained to me +the type of man you are... +...a visionary who prides himself +on originality... +...I said to myself, " Let's smash +the mould and redefine elegance." +So I present to you your restaurant. +Where is...? Where's bar? +Bar is... Here's the bar. +Now, the waterfall... +Make bar longer. +Okay. We could cut +into the atrium a little bit. +No atrium. Just make bar longer +for Prince Habeeboo. +Really? +- Still itchy? +- You got it. +And put big drain in floor +for wet T-shirt contest. +Now, you're kidding me, right? +Boob water's gotta +go someplace, Michael. +Let's just take out the atrium and +run with that and there's your drain. +- God. +- I love it. It is simply awesome. +Yeah. Basically you want me to design +you an Arabian hoochie house? +How dare you compare +Prince Habeeboo's Bikini Hut... +...to this hoochie house? +- This idea's... +...got nothing to do +with hoochies, Michael. +It's like opposite of hoochie. +No disrespect, +Prince Hubbida Hubbida. +- Hubba Bubba. +- Habeeboo! +Habeeboo! +Hubba Bubba is chewing gum. +Prince Habeeboo's +not chewing gum. +Prince Habeeboo, we will... +I will make this happen. +John Ammer's office. +I hope that atrium idea didn't take +too long to configure, Michael. +Oh, there'll be other Junes +in my life, sir. +See that parking garage +over there on 56? +Watsuhita wants to knock it down +and build a luxury hotel. +- You got the commission? +- Not yet. +I just need someone to come up +with a design proposal. Intrigued? +Hell, yes. +I'm Fourth of July-ing with the kids. +When I get back, I'm all over it. +Great. Have a great Fourth of July +with the kids. I'll put Swardson on it. +No, no. Absolutely not. +L... l... Can't it just wait three days? +These guys are Japanese. +They can't wait for their fish to cook. +I guess I could talk to my wife. +Great. See you later at happy hour +with Prince Habadabee. +My son has a swim meet tonight +that I have to get to s... +I'm just messing with you. +We're good. +Yeah, Ben! +That's my boy! That's my boy! +Kid, you were great! +You're not my dad. +- As far as you know. +- What? +I was just joking. +Is he really my dad? +Come on, come on! Yes, Ben. +Yes, you did it! +Honey, you were so great. +Whoa, what are you, half a dolphin +or something? That was incredible. +You just got here, Dad. I saw you. +What do you mean I just got here? +Why are you saying that? +I saw you. You jumped in there, +you swam here. +- Then what stroke was he doing, Dad? +- He was doing the shut-up. +Hey. Good thing is, +Daddy was here to see you finish. +He didn't see me finish. +He was hanging out +with Ping Woo for some reason. +- Yeah, what was that about, huh? +- The kid was drowning. +I'm gonna let him drown? +Nobody goes drowning in my pool. +How you doing? Bill Herlihy. +Ben's coach. You must be Dad. +Michael Speedo... +Michael Newman. Sorry. +Big Ben, that was great progress +out there, huh? +Just remember, right arm out, +head turns left. Left arm out... +Head turns right. I know. +I just forgot at the end. +Well, that's all right. +You master that, people are gonna +think you're half a dolphin out there. +- Really? +- Yeah. +Cute. +Hello? Mr. Ammer. +Ben, honey, slow down. +It's not a race. +That's his second one +in five minutes. +Keeps eating more and more. +He's like a machine. +He can't still be hungry. +He's not. He's just doing whatever +Michael's doing. It's driving me crazy. +Everything Michael's been doing lately +is very unhealthy for him. +He's gonna kill himself. +Like a signature building +we're talking about. +Oh, my God. +Scared the crap out of me. +Dad, how much longer +are you gonna live? +- One minute. +- One minute? +- Daddy's gonna die in one minute! +- Oh, no, honey. +Don't worry. I'm not dying. +I'm gonna live for 200 years. +Is that long enough for you and me? +- Promise? +- I promise. Swear. Come here. +You ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥! +Hey! There are families here! +Show some respect, +you pieces of ♥♥♥♥! +Go home and watch VH1, old man. +Don't light another damn one! +Benjamin. Benjamin. +What am I holding? +A quarter. Now, Grandma +does not let me eat ice cream... +...because of my diabetes. +- True. +But she says nothing, however, +about a tasty quarter. +Okay. +All right. All right. +Very quickly, please, count to three +because it tastes terrible. +One, two, three. +Are you ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ me? +First he's eating like his father, +now you're talking like him? +- Ben. +- Don't you ever say that again. +- Sorry, Grandma. +- How do you do that, Grandpa? +A good magician +never reveals his secrets. +Your daddy has wanted to know +how I've done that trick... +...since he was your age. +Isn't that true, son? +Hey, Michael. +Michael, who are you talking to? +Jesus. I'm talking to my boss, Ma. +Take it easy. +Oh, yeah? +Well, tell him to get a life. +You got family here. +You're busy. Come on. +My mother says hello. +Oh, he's such a big boy, isn't he? +On his big cell phone. Big boy. +That's it. Get some sleep. Thank you, +Mr. Ammer. All right. Good night. +- Are you done? Can we relax now? +- Sorry. +Eat me, grandpa! +You're dead. +- Oh, ♥♥♥♥! +- Yeah, you better run! +I kicked your father's ass +in high school! +Now I'm gonna kick yours! +I hate that man. +Okay, good night, you two cowboys. +- Reach for the sky, Pocahontas. +- No, back to bed. +Script Part 2 +Come on. Pocahontas is off duty. +I'm out of here. +You getting sick, sheriff? +I don't got time to be sick, so no. +I need to watch this documentary +on Asian architecture. +Well, you gotta get some rest +sometime, sweetheart. +Besides, the woodland creatures +will laugh at you... +...if you collapse trying +to put up the tent this weekend. +Yeah. I forgot to tell you. +We gotta postpone +the camping trip. +Ammer put me on a project. +It's due Tuesday. If I don't finish, +I'm off it, so... +The kids have been talking +about camping all year. +Think I don't know that? +It's just every choice I make, +everything I do... +...I disappoint somebody. +Make sure you don't keep +disappointing the wrong people. +I'm not out drinking or gambling +or hitting on chicks. +I'm working my ass off +so my family can have a better life... +...than I dreamed of +when I was a kid. +The only way for that to happen +is for me to watch this stinking show! +So relax, hon. +Are you kidding me? +Will you give me a break one time? +Damn it! The O'Doyles got +a stinking universal remote control. +We're gonna have one too. +I'm sick of this. +You want me to open +the garage for you? +Closed. +Closed. +Open. +Bed Bath & Beyond it is. +Hey, man? +You guys got any universal +remote controls in there? +- For a shower curtain or a bathmat? +- For a television. +I don't think so. +Maybe for a blanket? +You got a remote for a blanket? +Sorry, I don't work here. +I'm waiting for my friends. +You're kidding me. +Actually, yes. I don't have any friends. +Will you be my friend? +Wow, man. +Bed. Bed. +Bath. Bath. +Bed. +So tired of my life. +Beyond? +Sorry to sneak up on you. I just... +You guys got a universal +remote control back here? +Something stinks +like stale french fries. +All right, that's probably me. +You know, fast food +shortens your life. +Yeah, that's what I heard. +But the way my life's been going +lately, that ain't such a bad thing. +You're looking +for a universal remote control? +Yeah. Just one device +to do it all for me... +...make my life a little easier, +quicker, not so damn complicated. +I'm not supposed to do this, +but you seem like a good guy. +Hey. Somebody noticed. Thank you. +I'm gonna show you a remote +we just got in... +...that's probably the most advanced +piece of technology... +...we have in this place. +- Sounds sweet. +- It is sweet. +The latest, greatest universal remote +not even on the market yet. +I guess the O'Doyles' remote can bite +my advanced-technological ass then. +I don't know the O'Doyles... +...but they can bite it hard. +Yeah. +Come in the back with me. +Okay. +This is... This is very nice of you. +- What's your name, anyways? +- Call me Morty. +Morty, I'm Michael Newman. +Michael Newman. +I'm about to rock your world. +Okay. +I gotta be honest with you. This place +looks bigger from the outside. +Just kidding. +Hey, hey. +I think maybe there in the middle? +Sneaky. +Where's the box? +Does it come with directions? +Not necessary. +Just point, click. +Eventually, it will program itself. +How much is this thing? +Because I ain't exactly +Thurston Howell, you know? +Lucky for you, it's not +in the bar-code system yet. +So I'm gonna have +to just give it to you. +Whoa, whoa, whoa. +What's the catch here, man? +Want me to take my shirt off for you? +Because I don't play for that team. +Hey. Man, get out of here. +Why are you doing this, then? +Because good guys need a break +every once in a while. +Take it. +Enjoy. +All right. +Only one thing +you need to know, Michael. +This item is nonreturnable. +Why would I wanna return something +I got for free? +Twinkie. You don't need it. +You don't need it, man. +You do need a Yodel, though. +Okay. Good job. +Let's see what you got, mate. +Look at me, turning my own TV on. +I'm a freaking whiz kid. +- Residential architecture... +- So I talked to the kids. +- Oh, yeah? +They're very understanding about +not going camping this weekend. +- Great. +- They could have a sleepover instead. +That's a great idea. +Thank you, thank you. +Thanks for being +so cool about this too. +- Can I ask you something? +- Yes. +After you do all this work and become +a big player at your company... +...do you think you're gonna +have more time for us... +...or are things just gonna get +even more out of control? +Wait. When I get to that place +and become a boss... +...a millionaire, a big shot, +the first thing I'm gonna do... +...is hire a bunch of idiots just like me +to do all my work. +So then you, me and the kids +can do whatever the hell we want. +You just gotta give me some time. +Don't give me that look. +I'm just saying, give me some support. +All right? +I love you. Go to sleep. +- Just think about it, Michael. +- Absolutely. +And stop with the Yodels. +- You're gonna wake up 400 pounds. +- Okay. +Hey, hey, hey. Keep it down, dude. +Everybody's sleeping. +You gotta poop again? +Why don't you do the humpy-pumpy +on the duck, okay? +Will you just hold it in for five minutes +and keep the freaking volume down? +I guess when you combine... +...mass quantities of cough syrup +with Yodels... +...you get acid. +Go. +Hey, you said you gotta go. +Go already, man. +Sniffy Longdroppings, today. +Holy motherfu...! +Yeah, I mean, you're right. +In the short run... +...plastic surgery is a hassle. +But six months later... +...l'm gonna have a face +and a body... +...that's gonna get me to places +where I wanna be. +Oh, my mother, typical, +you know, she says: +"Oh, this procedure is too risky." +If Samantha wanted her cheekbones +shaved down, I think I'd freak out too. +I know, but I just think, you know, +they're too Slavic. +You should get some work done. +Then maybe Michael +will wanna hang out with you too. +Morning, Michael. +You're looking very crappy today. +Morning, Janine, +you're looking very Slavic. +You're just jealous because Donna +and I are going to the gym... +...and all the guys +are gonna be hitting on us. +Michael knows +he's my one and only. +Forever and ever, babe. +Sorry about last night. +And I love you. I'm s... +Oh, my God. I want that so bad. +A husband that I can kiss and love +and give juice to. +You've already cheated on three +different husbands with their brothers. +I think you've given enough juice +to everybody. +Love juice. +You know way too much about me. +I should never have done +that Montel Williams show. +Even Montel Williams +thinks you're crazy... +...and he's seen a lot of ♥♥♥♥. +I was desperate for companionship! +All of my husbands... +All of them +have emotionally abandoned me. +They went to work. You had sex +with their unemployed brothers. +- You're a horndog. +- Michael. +- Okay, sweetie. Calm it down. +- No, no! +I have had self-esteem issues +since I was a kid. +I had a rabbit named Pepper. +And that rabbit abandoned me too! +Even the rabbit did! Even the rabb... +Don't look at me! +- What's wrong with me? +- Bunny rabbit, bunny... +Here's the pitch to Matsui. +A deep drive. +Oh, my, it's out of here! +A two-run shot into the right-field +seats for Hideki Matsui. +I'm sorry. What was that? +She has so many problems. +Why do you have to be so mean? +I don't know, l... Hello. +I gotta go. +Yeah, good RoboDog. +And he can bark +in over six different languages. +It's so cool. +Yeah, it's much cooler +than your stupid, human dog. +Hey, Dad, see Kevin's +new robot dog? +Yeah, yeah. Very nice. +"Very nice"? This thing +is worth more than your car. +- Not anymore it ain't. +- RoboDog! +Hey, hey, hey. +Okay. Is this some sort +of reality show? Are you the host? +Morty? Where are the cameras? +Got everybody in on it, huh? +Sundance did very well also. +All right, America! Have your laugh! +I'm an idiot! +Donna, I'm gonna get you! +Fast-forward. +Nobody's laughing at you, Michael. +You wanted a universal remote control +that remote-controls your universe. +Yeah, but what controls +my dance skills? +Oh, Morty likes it too. +Michael, just hit menu. +On the remote? +No, the menu at the Red Lobster. +Yes, on the remote. +Where are we? +- Go, Michael, go! +- One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. +- What have I got here? +- Two, three. +Cough syrup's kicking in again. +- We have a boy! +- Is it gonna work? +What is this? +- All right, I love you, Michael. +- Your life menu. +My life has a commentary? +Script Part 3 +It's chock-full of goodies. +- Click it. +- Click it. +This is last Tuesday. +Michael was eagerly awaiting +the arrival of his lunch order. +Who's that, James Earl Jones? +James Earl +does a lot of voice-over work. +But his anticipation +quickly turned to dismay... +... as he realized Alice +had brought him a cheeseburger... +... instead of a hamburger +as he requested. +A cheeseburger? +I said a hamburger. +She always does this to me. +Michael considered demanding +that Alice scrape the cheese off... +... but decided not to, +fearing that Alice may spit in... +... or otherwise defile +the burger in some manner. +A wise decision... +... for that was exactly +what Alice was planning to do. +- Are you kidding me? +- Sneaky. +My God. +What else we got here? +- "Making of"? +- Just click. +Hey, hey, psychedelic. +Where are we? +Is this a porno or something? +Oh, Ted. Oh, Teddy! +Is that my parents? +They're making you. +Like bunny rabbits. +- That's the spot. +- Smack my heinie! +Change the channel! +How do you do this? +I can't see. +What happened? What...? +The floor is so mushy and slippery. +Feels good on my feet. +Check it out. +You hit the fast-forward button. +I believe we're sometime +after your conception. +Okay, very good, Mrs. Newman. +No! We're in my mother's vagina? +Again. And push. +- It's a girl. +- It's a girl! +- Oh, it's a girl. Thank you so much. +- Thank you for that. +Wait a minute. +I'm sorry, it might be a boy. +What do you mean, "might be"? +What is that? +Maybe that's a penis. +Maybe that's a pe...? That's a penis. +That's my penis. +Can I see that? +Can you bring that a little closer? +See? +- That's a tiny schmeckel. +- Yeah? +- We have a boy! +- We have a boy! +Your mother must have +some superpower eyesight... +...because I didn't see anything. +Let's get out of here. +So if you think about it... +...I can reexperience +any part of my life I want to. +It's amazing. +What happened? +Oh, God, what did I do? +Hello? How do I get you +back here, pal? +Gotcha. +I'm not freaked out enough? +It's simple. Think of a time +and a place... +...hit rewind, and you're there. +Time and a place. Time and a place. +Oh, my God. Lake Winnipesaukee. +That's me in the Jets shirt. +Go, little me, go! +Good hands! Nice hands. +Michael! +Michael, dinner's almost ready. +Invite your friends if you want to. +So any of you wanna come +by my tent for some supper? +Or we could eat at my Winnebago +and watch Three's Company. +Three's Company. +That's humiliating. +Mom, why can't we camp in an RV +like every other family? +Oh, come on. +You call that camping? +How can you get close to nature +in a tin can like that? +Plus, it's more fun to have +to keep each other warm at night. +Don't you know it. +- No cupcakes yet. +- But I'm starving. +I agree with you, Michael. +You know how hungry I am? +I am so hungry, I could eat this. +Oh, this is where +the quarter trick started. +How the heck did he do that? +Oh, it's a trick coin +you buy at a magic shop. +I just couldn't let him know +I knew that. +That's sweet. +Now, I gotta get back to work, +so hit play. +It's a very powerful device. +Use it with caution. +Okay. +Who are you? +You know who I am. +Morty? +If you have any questions... +...call me. +No, Linda, I think Stacy gets +the most-beautiful-feet award. +You wanted to see me? +Michael. Look, I'm heading out to +the Hamptons in a couple of minutes. +I'm counting on you. +This hotel project? It's a big fish. +You reel it in for me +and it's "Howdy, partner." +Okay. Thank you. +Screw it up, though, and it's +"Back to the mailroom, atrium boy." +Mr. Ammer, Denise just called. +She's gotta go to rehab again, +so she can't mak e it to the Hamptons. +I'm gonna be alone +on the Fourth of July? +Mr. Ammer, if you need female +companionship this weekend... +...my wife's friend Janine, wow. +Really? What's she like? +Let's just say +she will eat you up, sir. +Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt... +...but this is kind of important. +- Okay. +- Go to the bathroom. +- Okay. +Dude! You suck so bad. +Do not. Hey, Dad. +How you doing, buddy? +Playing some catch? +Actually, we're playing some drop, +because Ben hasn't caught one yet. +Darn it. +You're a regular Derek Jeter +yourself, O'Doyle. +- Love you, kid. +- Love you too, Dad. +Mommy! +No, I know. Well, I thought +she should've gotten voted off. +But did you see her Kate Spade +handbag? It was gorgeous. +Wait, hold on a second, Trudy. +I gotta say hi to your son. +- I told your parents to come for dinner. +- Really? That sounds good. +It'd be fun for them to be here +for the sleepover. +Okay, so great. Yeah. +We'll see you guys later. +Okay, bye-bye. +It's not gonna kill you to eat dinner +with your family, sweetie. +I know, I just gotta build +an entire model tonight. +- I'm the leader! +- No, I'm the leader! +Go say hi to Daddy. Go on. +I can't take a whole night of this. +- And I'm not going to. +- Q, R, S, T, U... +Cool. +I can skip chapters. +What a family. +All right, let's get dinner +over with. Next. +Next. +Everyone's done but you, buddy. +Let's go. +Will you stop already? +Oh, boy, Dad's quarter trick. +I can't wait not to see it. +Alone in my basement at last. +Should I do my work +and become partner now? I think so. +Let's get to it. +- Michael? +- Yo. +We don't wanna interrupt. +We're taking off. +Thanks for a great night. +You had a fun time +hanging out with me? +That was... We did good, right? +- Good night, honey. +- Love you. +My schmeckel got bigger now that +I'm older, just so you guys know that. +It couldn't have gotten any smaller. +Yeah, yeah. +It looked like a little Tic Tac. +Yeah, come here, +I'll freshen your breath. +- Bye, you guys. +- Bye, sweetie. +Good night, sweetie. +Great dinner, honey. +See? Was that so bad? +Kidding me? I had fun. +Good for you. Can you watch the gang +for 10 minutes while I clean up? +Can't you? I just... +I got so much stuff to do here. +Oh, you got stuff to do? +I got ghost stories, charades, +the dishes... +...and then I gotta sew the duck's head +back on for Sundance... +...and fix his butthole. +Way to go, champ. +I wish I had time to do all that stuff. +Give me a break, Michael. +You're a big boy. +You set your own priorities. +I'm asking for 10 minutes, +not for, like, a whole day. +You don't have to do that much. +How big a deal is that? +I am so tired of having this argument. +I skipped the whole fight. +Babe? +- I can't sleep. +- You can't? +I feel bad that we keep arguing. +I know. Don't be upset, okay? +- I was a jerk. +- You are a jerk. +- I love you. +- I love you too. +- Yes. That smells good. +- What? +Michael. Stop it. +The sleepover will catch us. +They ain't gonna hear us. Come on. +Okay. Quietly try +and coax me into it. +I gotta get back to work. +Can't we just do it? +No, we can't just do it. +Honey, come on. +I mean, I don't have any new moves +for you. It's the same stuff. +Just think of last time and use that. +I like the old moves. Come on. +All right. +This time you be Sundance, +I'll be the duck. +- Yeah? +- But you gotta massage me first. +Great, I love giving massages. +Massaging away here. +Oh, that feels good. +Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. +- We did it? +- Well, you did. +I didn't want the whole thing +to go that fast. +I don't think anybody did. +Yeah. I'll get you next time. +Thanks. +So we good for tomorrow? +What are you talking about? +At dinner. +You said we'd go to lunch tomorrow +and pick out your dad's birthday gift. +Dad's gift is... +- Of course. I said so, so I'll be there. +- Okay. +- Need another massage or anything? +- Oh, go away. +I gotta go work. +Hey, Morty. It's Michael Newman. +Yeah, can I talk to you for a minute? +Hang on for a second, +someone's at my door. +- Hello, Michael. +- Where'd you come from? +You don't wanna know. +- Can we take a walk? +- Sure. +It's simple. You must +have been on autopilot. +Autopilot? +That's what happens to you +when you fast-forward. +- Okay. +- Yeah. I'll show you. +Here. +See? That's you on autopilot. +The lights are on +but nobody's home. +The remote lets your mind +skip around... +...but your body actually stays put +for the boring stuff. +We should go to lunch tomorrow +and pick out your dad's birthday gift. +Sounds good. +So she did tell me. +I'm having conversations +on autopilot, then. +Script Part 4 +You're not gonna be +the life of the party, but yes. +Everyone goes on autopilot +now and then. +The big difference +is now you've got a nifty remote... +...to help you decide when. +This thing is the best. +By the way, your wife? +Absolutely gorgeous. +- She is, isn't she? +- Perfect face. Tight, rocking body. +You okay? +- Amazing. +- What is? +She fell for a schlub like you. +I'm a schlub? +I don't know about that, pal. +I see a good-looking man right there. +You wanna see what a stud +I used to be? Yeah? +All right, let's take a look +at some of the girls... +...I used to fool around with +before I met Donna. +Is that a man or a woman? +It's a woman. +What is this, Animal Planet? +- Stop. +- Yes. +Sometimes it's better to keep +certain memories just in your head. +So I've learned, Morty. +Good night. Thank you. +Good night, Michael. +I'm getting sick, man. +Fast-forward me till I'm better. +Michael, honey, wake up. +You'll be late for work. +What? It's Monday already? +Are you kidding me? +No more phlegm? +I skipped an entire cold? +Thanks to you, baby! I love you! +No more Tylenol! +I don't remember doing +any work this weekend. +But apparently I did. +- Bad news. There's no hot water. +- What? I gotta take a shower. +Well, you're gonna freeze +your bun-buns off. +It's all good. +Yes! Look at me. +All showered and dressed +and looking sexy. +I like that. L... +Did you smoke crack, Daddy? +Just watch your toons and have +a great day with Mommy today, okay? +Eating cupcakes like your old man. +Right here, baby. +- Dad? +- Yes, sir? +Are you gonna have to work late +again tonight? +- Unfortunately, yes. +- Is there anything we can do to help? +Well, I'm gonna be partner soon, and +I'm gonna need new building designs. +So if you guys have any cool ideas, +draw them up for me. +- Okay. +- Rock 'n' roll. +- I get the paper. +- I got the crayons. +Would you stop talking +and fix the sewer? +You're on it now, yeah. Yeah. +Traffic, traffic, no more traffic. +Wait a sec! +Here we go! Mama! +Yeah! That's what +I'm talking about, baby! +You look a little pale there, pal. +Let me fix that. +Oh, look at you now. +You're all yellow from the scurvy. +Captain. +Don't get the Hulk angry. +You won't like him when he's angry. +Oh, there's Barney. +I love you, you love me +That jogger had giant boobies +Okay. Let's get you that tan +you been searching for. +That's it. That's it. +Check out Julio Iglesias... Pretty. +- Looking good, Mr. Newman. +- Really? Thank you very much, Judy. +- Finish? +- Did I finish? I believe I finished. +- Let's see here. Look at that. +- Very impressive, Michael. +Yeah, the river in the lobby. +This is actually pretty good, man. +Where did you find the time +to get a tan? +- I guess I can do it all, sir. +- You can do it all. +All right, all right, everybody. +It's sexual-harassment-speech day. +Now, anyone can be a victim +of sexual harassment: +Blue collar, white collar, +a woman, a man. +Even the office ♥♥♥♥. +Not that I'm mentioning any names... +...Stacy. +Here we go. Sexual harassment +can come in many forms. +You see, what is hilarious to some, +could be offensive to others. +Let me try to give you a real-life +example because I'm sure I've done it. +Like the day I said, "You want +a promotion, break out the lotion." +I was technically engaged +in sexual harassment. +Hilarious sexual harassment, +if you ask me. +Now, there is also +homosexual harassment. +Now, this is like when +one dude comes up to another... +...and says something cheeky. +- This will be good. +Proceed. +I don't know about you Americans... +...but to me there is no doubt... +...lchiro is the greatest of all time. +Yeah, he's incredible. +You gotta admit, +you can always count on Matsui. +Oh, Matsui. +Well, if you guys love Ichiro and +Matsui so much, let's order them both. +I'll eat anything. +- Excuse us for a moment. +- Absolutely, Mr. Watsuhita. +See you guys in a bit. +Ichiro and Matsui are baseball players. +You just insulted their national heroes. +I'm going to the bathroom +to slit my wrists. +I'll be here. +These morons are so boring. +They make me wanna +chop my own ♥♥♥♥ off. +That hotel design? +I'd like to rip it up. +Egghead watched a bad documentary +on Asian architecture. +Who needs a stupid river +in the lobby? +Let's build more rooms +and maximize profits. +Eat as fast as you can. +Then we can get out of here... +...and do Jell-O shots at America's +greatest cultural achievement: +T.G.I. Friday's. +T.G.I. Friday's! +- All right, Michael, save us. +- I'm all over it, baby. +Before we order, I was looking +at our proposal. You know what? +After getting to know you a little bit, +I realize this is not what you're about. +In fact, let's just throw it out, all right? +Start from scratch. +The river in the lobby idea, +what an egghead move. +Let's just keep the plans simple, forget +all the niceties, maximize our revenue. +That's what it's all about anyways, +the profits. +But do me a favour. Just give us +your account and your trust. +That way we can get the hell out +of this dump, go to T.G.I. Friday's... +...do some Jell-O shots +till this guy pukes up a lung. +♥♥♥♥, yeah. +That's what I'm talking about. +Yes, yes! +The king is home! Hello, hello! +How can you goons sleep +when you know I got you presents? +- You did? +- What is it? +What is it? Well, if you bring +your tushies downstairs, we'll find out. +I'm coming. I'm coming. +Honey, get your sweet little buns +downstairs too. Come on, come on! +Come and get them. +- Awesome! No way! +- Yeah, yeah. +- It must have cost a million dollars! +- That's chump change now. +You guys deserve the best... +...and that's what you're gonna get +from now on, okay? +What's all this? +Look who's here. +You guys wanna ride these bikes? +- Yeah! +- Let's take them outside! +Wake the O'Doyles, +let them see what you got. +These are the coolest bikes +in the whole town. +Kevin O'Doyle's gonna ♥♥♥♥ himself. +- Don't think I forgot my beautiful wife. +- Oh, my gosh. +It's not a bike or a cowboy hat, +but you're gonna like this, I hope. +- Oh, Michael, it's beautiful. +- I heard you talking to my mother. +- I love it! +- You look good, baby. +I got myself a celebratory cigar too. +Why not? +What are we celebrating? +"What are we celebrating?" +We're healthy, we got a great family... +...l'm Ammer's newest partner... +Oh, my God, you're kidding! +Honey, congratulations! +I knew it! I knew you'd be psyched! +I love it! I love you! +I single-handedly landed +the Watsuhita account. +That's incredible. +I knew it was gonna be a great day. +- I heard our song on the radio. +- We have a song? +Honey. The song that was playing +during our first kiss. +Come on. You're kidding me, right? +I know our song. Our song. Of course +I know our song. Our song is... +What the hell was that song? +I remember this place. +And... Oh, my God. +Wolverine's goofy cousin. +But look at you. Wow. +You are out of his league, aren't you? +Oh, yeah, the notes. +Smooth, buddy. +Oh, look at her. +What's gonna happen? +You got an answer to that? +Okay. Seal the deal, pal. +All she's thinking about is, +"I am not kissing that beard. +Absolutely not, +that's gonna hurt me." +Wait a minute. +Yeah, Newman. Get it. +Yeah. +Donna! +Donna. Oh, my God. +I'm so horny now. +Oh, God, I'm not. +Get me out of here. +"Linger" by The Cranberries +was playing during our first juicy kiss. +And, my God, you looked beautiful +in that pink sweater you were wearing. +Honey, you remember +what I was wearing? +Of course. I remember +what Janine was wearing. +She scared the ♥♥♥♥ out of me then. +I love you. +I love you too, honey. +Hi, Mr. Newman. +Right this way, Michael. +Hey, my new star. Congratulations. +Sit down, big guy. +All right. +I am a little tired. +The family was up late +last night celebrating. +You really knocked one out of the park +last night, didn't you? +Hey, you were great too. +All you gotta do is draw up +the construction plans. +If Watsuhita commits +to the bulk of the funds... +...l'm looking at my new partner. +Script Part 5 +I thought I was already your partner. +Whoa, cowboy. +I said, " Land the Watsuhita account, +you'll get promoted." +- I didn't mean right this second. +- But I already told my wife, sir. +I spent money I don't have. +To do these documents +is gonna take me months. +Then you better get started. +Wow, I just got a big headache! +- Was I hit by a train or something? +- I didn't see anything. +I forgot to tell you. I hung out +with your friend Janine this weekend. +I hope she's doing your brother +right now, you big-headed buffoon. +No, no, no. You got more. +Yeah. +Anyway, the sooner +you get back to work... +...the sooner you'll be partnerized. +- I taste ♥♥♥♥. +- You do? +Stacy! Did you put ♥♥♥♥ in my lunch? +I'm gonna get going now, sir. +Stacy! +Have you considered +the consequences... +...of the thing +you're thinking about doing? +Yeah. What are you saying, +I shouldn't do it? +It's your life. What you do with +the remote is your decision, Michael. +I know, so, I mean, +we're talking a couple of months here. +I fast-forward through it, +what am I gonna miss? +Thirty arguments and a haircut? +Remember the leprechaun? +The one from the cereal ad. +"They're magically delicious." +That guy? +He's always chasing the pot of gold +at the end of the rainbow. +But when he gets there +at the end of the day... +...it's just corn flakes. +- Michael. +- Yes. +- You don't understand the metaphor? +- I won't do it, all right. +- Dad? +- Yeah. +- We have some designs for you. +- It's not a good time, man. +Maybe they'll help you +finish quicker. +All right. You want me to look at it? +Let me see. +The ceiling's too high, +the hallway's too narrow... +...stairway placement +makes no sense at all. +- What the hell's this room made of? +- Pizza. +Well, it's stupid. Next. +What is yours made of? +- Pickles. +- Oh, don't be a baby. +Michael, have you lost your mind? +He's 7 years old. +If he wants a playroom made of pizza, +then why not? +Maybe he's gotta grow up sometime +and get the hell off Fantasy Island. +Hey, pizza boy. +Life ain't about being creative. +It's about kissing ass, playing it safe, +making your boss a lot of money... +{LINK REMOVIDO} hopes one day he might throw you +a stinking bone. All right? +Yes, sir. +Ammer didn't make you partner, +did he? +Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. +But we'll get through this, okay? +I promise. +Jeez! Man, that's all we ever do +is get through it. +When is it gonna end? +Pretty sweet, eh? +Two queen beds, full kitchen, +steam shower... +...and satellite TV +with surround sound. +Why are you always trying to hurt me? +One day I'm gonna hurt you back. +Michael Newman, +I didn't know you smoked cigars. +And now's the time. +No, Kathy, this isn't mine. +I took it out of Kevin's hands. +Yeah, he was smoking like a chimney. +No, I wasn't! +I think I smell marijuana in it. +Kevin O'Doyle, you get your ass +in this house right now! +I hate you. +Are you deaf? Move it! +I don't wanna have to ask you again! +Dope is for dopes, buddy! +Get your ass in this house! +We don't have +any other choice, guys. +- No fair! I don't wanna return my bike! +- We have to, honey. +- But Daddy gave them to us! +- Because he loves you. +Unfortunately, there was +a mix-up at Daddy's work. +We need to bring +the bikes back for now. +But I already told Kevin O'Doyle +I got a new bike. +Well, we can paint my old bike +and make it look new. +That's a girl's bike. +All the kids will make fun of me. +No! +I wanna keep my bike! +I can't take this anymore. +Fast-forward me to my promotion. +So here's to Michael Newman... +...the greatest partner +I could ever dream of. +Hear, hear! +Thank you. Thank you, guys. +My family thanks you. +I'm gonna do the best I can +and I won't let you down, I promise. +Yeah! +- Congratulations, Mr. Newman. +- This is great. Thank you. +How's it feel, killer? +- Feels incredible, sir. +- Well, you earned it. I'm telling you. +Not just because of that +Watsuhita project either. +For helping me pick up the slack +now I'm spending time with my lady. +Hey, Dinkie. +Are you kidding me? You guys have +been dating a couple months now? +That's pretty huge for this one. +No, the first few months were easy. +It was the one-year hump +that was the tough part. +Her inappropriate weekend +with my brother in Cabo... +...well, that was +a potential speed bump. +But, well, Dr. Bergman helped us +work through it, didn't he, honey? +How's he doing for you and Donna? +Dr. Bergman. What do you mean? +Oh, you know what, sweetie? +It's none of our business. +Let's let Michael bask in his glory. +Cheers. +Bask away, partner. +Took that bastard +a year to promote me? +What else did I miss? +- ♥♥♥♥. +- Need something, Mr. Newman? +- Who are you? +- Kirsten, your assistant. +What happened to Alice? +She moved to Accounting. +Couldn't handle your hours. +And she prefers to be called Alan now. +Remember? +No. +No. +No! And who the hell's +Dr. Bergman? +And I feel like Michael's making +no effort to connect with me at all. +No, no. I want to. I want to. +It's... I'm on autopilot. +"I'm on autopilot." +More like auto-zombie. +Good one, Donna. +- "Good one, Donna"? +- Michael, relax. +Who is this bigmouth? +Why can't you and I just talk? +Why? Because there is no talking +to you. You're never home to talk to. +And when you are, you're just sitting +there staring off into space. +What do you want from me? +This is what happens. +He's gonna answer his phone. +What the heck happened? +I didn't even touch the remote. +Great, you gonna start watching TV +at dinner? +Oh, can we? +Samantha. My little angel. +Look at you. +Look how long your hair's getting. +When did you grow up? +Ben, get over here. +Don't worry. +I'm not gonna work tonight. +Watch Dragon Tales together. +What do you say? +Dragon Tales is for babies, Dad. +I wanna watch CSI. +Yeah, CSI. +It's the episode +when they find the lady's arm. +What happened? I missed +the whole Dragon Tales era? +Whoa, hey, hello. +What are you doing? +Come here! Give me my Twinkie! +Get back here, +you freaking gremlin! +Don't yell at Peanut because +he found your Twinkie stash. +Who's Peanut? Where's Sundance? +Don't mention Sundance. +The kids just stopped crying. +About what? Why? +What happened? +He died? +Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no. +The stupid idiot and soft fur. +- Daddy held it in so long. +- He was the best dog! +He's finally letting himself feel it. +One night when the duck's head +was off... +...he tried to hump my leg +and I didn't let him... +...and I should've and I'm sorry. +- What an idiot. +- It's okay, it's okay. +What the heck did I do? +I love you. Do you still love me? +Oh, Michael. +It's been... +I'm really confused. +No, no, no. I'll change, okay? +I'll be a better man, I promise. +Don't go, don't go. +I'll stop working so much, okay? +I'll be with you. Just stay with me. +Oh, my God, it didn't take the duck +long to get over Sundance. +It's a little deviant, +but it's kind of turning me on. +Yeah, well, let's kiss and make up. +No. No! +It's not my fault. +It jumped on its own. +I didn't even hit the button. +Not even close. +Yes? +- You scared... +- Honey, what's going on down there? +It's all right! L... +There was a mouse! I killed it! +It's dead! But it broke the table first! +- How did you get in here? +- I had a feeling you wanted to see me. +I'm freaking out. +This thing, it's broken. +It's just... It's fast-forwarding +on its own now. +It's not a malfunction, it's a feature. +It's using its memory +to execute your preferences. +It remembers stuff? +What do you mean? +It's an advanced piece of equipment, +like TiVo. +You could call it Me Vo. +I fast-forwarded through sex one time, +I don't wanna skip it forever. +I like sex. It feels good. +Correct me if I'm wrong, but you +fast-forwarded through an entire year. +That's a lot of sex. +Put it all together, +that's like 30 minutes' worth for you. +Oh, no, no. So what, +everything I fast-forwarded... +...it's gonna do it on its own now? +- Pretty much. +No more showering, no more traffic. +No more arguing. +No more sickness. +This is bad, this is bad. +You take it back, +I'm deactivating my service. +I quit, I quit. Thanks for everything, +all right, but l... +Yeah. +You... This is not... +Don't be mean. +Nice hat. +No, no, no. +Get away from me. Just get away. +Get away. +Script Part 6 +Leave me alone. +Is this a stickup? +Or are you just happy? +Yeah? I'm gonna +take my clothes off, then... +I wouldn't do that if I were you. +There's only one place left +for it to pop up. +Oh. No, no, I don't want that. +Come on, man. +I told you, +this item is nonreturnable. +- Come on, just take it. +- Until we meet again. +Don't do that. Come on, Morty. +How do I get it to stop fast-forwarding? +Morning, sweetie. +You wanna shower first? +Yeah. No! I can't shower +because then I'll fast-forward. +And if I fast-forward, who knows +how long I'll fast-forward for. +How's this? I'm gonna rough it today, +like in the Old West. Okay? +Donna, I wanna tell you +what's going on right now so bad... +...but it might lead to an argument. +We can't argue because off I'll go. +So just know there is a problem. +I tried to get rid of the problem, +it almost ended up in my ass. +I'm gonna go to work +and try to figure this out. +You're going to work +in your bathrobe? +Honey. We can't argue, okay? +No more arguing. +You're right. I'm wrong. All the time. +You want a kiss? +- I'll take a kiss. +- I can't. If I give you a kiss... +...it might lead to something else, +then... three minutes goes by. +You're laying there disappointed, +I'm smiling. +I wanna be with you every minute +of my life, that's why I gotta leave now. +Have a great day! +Once again, Michael left Donna +in bed confused and unsatisfied. +Shut up, James Earl Jones! +No, you shut up, big mouth! +Michael! +Mr. Ammer is here +Your first day as a partner, you come +to work in a fricking bathrobe? +I did. I did. +John, I just feel we should +stop wasting our energy... +...on corporate brown-nosing and +worrying who's got the better suit. +Armani, Calvin Klein, who cares? +Let's concentrate +on what really matters, the work. +That's the craziest thing +I've ever heard. +But ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, you're right. +Life-changing. I feel freer. +Yeah... Keep the pants on. +Sexual harassment, eh? +Speaking of life-changing... +...there's something, or actually +someone, I'd like to talk to you about. +- Janine. +- Everything okay? +Michael, Janine and I decided +to drop out of the rat race... +...slow down, move to Morocco. +- Morocco? +- Morocco. +Okay. +Eric Lamensoff will assume +my day-to-day responsibilities... +...and I'd like you to take his job. +But Eric Lamensoff is the head +of the whole international division. +- I've been your partner one day. +- So? +Every account you worked on +turned into gold. +You know, I wouldn't be surprised... +...if one day you ended up +being our CEO. +Hey, I would love +for that to happen, but... +No! No, no, no! +I don't want a promotion! +No! +Michael, you have a phone call. +Michael Newman. +Word up, big guy. +Ten years ago you told me +you wanted to be CEO. +Great news. +Eric Lamensoff killed himself. +So you better stop with the junk food, +Mr. Chairman... +... or you'll end up +killing yourself too. +Opening virtual blinds. +Ten years? +How much worse can things get? +Oh, my God, I'm a fat guy! +Look at me. +What is this? This is titties. +I got juicy titties! +What... What is that? +Oh, God, no. +Just take me home. +This is 1010 WINS news. +February 5th, 2017. +Britney Spears +had her 23rd baby today. +Proud father Kevin Federline says +he's now considering getting a job. +Also, Michael Jackson, +the first man to clone himself... +... is now suing himself +for molesting himself. +Donna! +Donna! +Can I help you? +- Hey, Dad. +- "Hey, Dad"? +Ben? That's you? +Look how big you got. +You're enormous. +Look who's talking, Captain Twinkie +of the S.S. Fat-Ass! +Really good for my self-esteem. +Maybe if you would take me +to Pilates like you said... +...people wouldn't think +I was Rosie O'Donnell! +Come on, I love you! +- Bring me back the Twinkies! +- You're so cruel! +Will you please stop yelling? +It is so embarrassing. +- Is that my daughter? +- Mom, I'm going to Derek's! +That's you, Samantha? +When did you get boobs? +The same time you did, Dad. +Now can I go? +Whoa, whoa, whoa. +Who the hell's this Derek guy? +My boyfriend, the hottest boy +in school, hello? +He's gonna be hot +when I burn his house down. +Get your ass upstairs, +put normal clothes on. +- Why are you so mean to me? +- Get them on now! +- And wipe off all that makeup! +- Right! +Is Peanut dead too? +This one's got the duck +doing all the work. +Donna. Donna. +♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. +Look how gorgeous you look. +I'm so scared. +- Knock, knock, gang. +- Hey, sweetie. +What's going on? +Donna and I were gonna get +hot chocolate. +- You want us to bring you one? +- You cheating on me? +With Johnny G-String over here? +Come on. Time-out. +I thought we were past that. +No, no, no, we're past this argument. +No, you're right, no big deal. +Hey, it's just that you don't +mess with another man's wife! +Michael! Stop it! Stop it, Michael! +It was your decision to move out! +So stay out! +Get off me! +You sticking up for him? +Go away! Go away, I hate you! +- We can't argue! Donna, please! +- I hate you! I hate you! +Oh, man! +You hate me? +No. No. +Ten years, you're not finished yet? +Morty! Why did you do this to me? +You did this to yourself, Michael. +No. No, I didn't wanna +waste all that time. +I didn't wanna lose Donna! +The remote goes by your behaviour. +Every time you had a conflict +between work and home, work won. +- No, not true. +- Lie to your wife. +Lie to yourself. +But you cannot lie to the remote. +The remote is lie-proof, so you can't +change what already happened. +But you're still a young man. +A young, fat man. +You could win Donna back. +So that's what I'll do. +Go for it, tubs. +I saw what you did to the duck. +Very good. Nice work. +You'll feel that in a second. +All right, please, +please just read my note. +- Hate you! I hate you! I hate you! +Oh, my nuts! +Michael, are you awake? +Michael, honey. Are you awake? +Donna. +Where'd all my fat go? +It was just a dream? +A terrible, terrible dream. +What's that, Michael? +You had a bad dream? +Did a fuzzy dog push me over? +Oh, Shaggy the miracle dog? +Yeah, if he hadn't knocked you +on your noggin... +...you wouldn't have had the CAT scan +that found the cancer before it spread. +I have cancer? +No, you had cancer. +You're the only person +to gain weight during chemo. +That's probably what caused +your heart attack. +Heart attack? +I thought they weaned you +off the morphine. +Okay, Mr. Junk Food... +...since the injury, +you haven't been healthy a full day. +When exactly did I hurt my head? +When was it? Like, six years ago? +Six more years! No! No! +It skipped all my sickness. +I'm gonna ask them +to cut back on painkillers. +Donna, don't go. +What's this? +That's not bad +for your third liposuction. +One more tummy tuck +should take care of it. +Oh, it looks like a tongue... +...licking. +Look, I should go. +Bill's waiting for me downstairs. +- So I'll probably... +- Bill? +You're still with Speedo Torpedo? +Whatever happened +to "forever and ever," honey? +"Forever and ever"? +Look, Michael, I'm trying to have +a civilized relationship with you... +...for the kids' sake. +I really wanna be friends, +but I can't do that if you... +Would you stop flapping that thing? +It's my flap, I'll do +whatever the hell I want with it! +You done? +Look, Bill's my husband. +Please learn to accept that. +I really have to go. +Husband? Donna? +No. Donna. Donna. Donna! +Welcome to Newman Architecture. +Building a better world for all of us. +Architect of the year, 2018. +All your dreams came true, +huh, moron? +Dad. Hey, how you feeling? +- Benjamin. Look at that. +- Look... What? +Your face. Your skinny face. +You're shaving now, huh, kid? +Your entire ass is gone. +What happened? Good for you. +Right, my ass. Why don't +we talk about it in my office. +My old office. +The architect. How did this happen? +- Mom said you were still a little loopy. +- No, no, no. I'm feeling terrific. +The weight. How did you do it? +Staple treatment like your old man? +Wanna have a flap fight? +You gotta see this... +No. Just working out with Bill +five times a week. Same as always. +That's a looker. +Blondie, big lips. Chesty. +Is that your girl? +No, that's your daughter Samantha. +Of course it is. +And you better +always take care of her... +...and make sure nobody touches her +except you. +Script Part 7 +I'm just getting ready +for this meeting. +Okay. Absolutely. +I'll take off for you. +I'd like to spend more time together. +All of us. +Take you out for ice cream. +How's that? +I know your mother won't come... +...but you, Samantha, +Grandpa, Grandma. +That'd be nice, huh? +I knew something +was funny with you today. +Papa, take a seat. +Let me get you a water, okay? +What are we sitting for? +- Here you go, Pop, drink this. +- All right. Drink some water. +There, I had my water. +What's going on? +Grandpa died, Dad. +He died a while back now. +No, no, no. +Don't say that. +Where was I? +You're crying? +What happened? +Nothing. You know, +he just got old. That's life. +- ♥♥♥♥. +- You're born and you live and you die. +Man, I gotta go. +Hey, hang on. +Susie, push my next meeting. +No, no, do your meeting. +It's fine. I'm just dizzy. +- Why are you crying? +- I'm dizzy from the operation. +You're gonna make me cry, Dad. +You don't... You don't have to go. +You look... You look good. +It's all right. Goodbye. +Come on. +Come on. +It won't take you there. +Take me where? +To the moment he died. +You weren't there. +Of course I wasn't. +Can you take me +to the last time I saw him, please? +Hey, Dad. Sorry to bug you. +Would you mind looking +at my shopping mall design again? +This one is cheaper. +But if you check this out... +...you'll see it has +a much better natural flow... +Cheaper one, like I said. +Now, just let me do my e-mail. +Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Dad. +He ain't right. You're a schmuck! +Look at it! +Surprise. +Hey, Grandpa. +Oh, my God. +When did you get so handsome? +So, Michael, I had a wonderful idea. +Your mother's playing canasta +with her friends tonight. +I thought, +"What a great opportunity." +You, me and Ben should go +and have a boys' night out. +- Can't. +- What do you mean you can't? +You have to eat sometime. +We could go, +we could whistle at pretty girls. +- I'm down for that. +- See? He's down. +I don't know what it means, +but he's down. +- Hey. Please. +- Don't give me that finger. +I'll make you a deal. +If you come, I'll show you +the quarter trick. +- Will you look at the man? +- I'll tell you the secret. +No, Dad. +Don't you wanna know how l...? +I know how you do the stupid trick. +I've always known. +Can you let me do my work? +You've always known. +You're pathetic. +Okay. +I'm so sorry I barged in. +I love you, son. +See you later, Grandpa, I love you. +Dad. +Pop. +Pop. +I love you, son. +I love you, son. +I love you, son. +I love you too, Dad. +I'll miss you. +You know that. +Goodbye. +I'm sorry about your father. +Taking him wasn't something +I wanted to do. +What do you mean "taking him"? +I'm an angel, Michael. +An angel? +I thought an angel was +supposed to protect people. +I'm the angel of death. +Your dad, it was his time. +You bastard. +All right, leave me alone. +Leave me alone. +You had your fun. +Just take me to a good place. +And now, everybody, it's time +for Mr. Newman to say a few words. +Yay, Michael! +Go get them, Michael! Speech! +Wedding cake. Wedding cake. +Okay, where's the groom? +Show your face. +Hi, Dad. +Ben. I didn't miss +my son's wedding. +Wow, this is terrific, buddy. +Who's the lucky lady? +Very funny, Mr. Newman. +Aunt Peggy, is that you? +God, you got old. +No, no. L... She... I'm just playing. +She knows that. +Ma. +Ben's wife... +...welcome to the family. +Thank you. +Congratulations. +Let's have the best night, okay? +Look at you, Ma. You look amazing. +Michael, you haven't kissed me +like that since you were a little boy. +You are the best, Ma. +You know I know that, right? +Oh, darling, that's so sweet. +You know, Michael, your father +would've loved to be here. +I know, Ma. +Okay? I'm just glad you're here. +Me too, bubbala. Me too. Me too. +It's beautiful. Beautiful. +Beautiful. Look at her. +Donna, my favourite. +You're such a schmuck +for letting her go. +But don't let me ruin your evening. +I'll talk to you later. +Christina. +Michael, you've been so generous +taking care of all this... +...and the kids' honeymoon. +- Absolutely. +- Thank you so much. +Of course. Ben's wife +seems like a nice kid, huh? +- I think she's wonderful. +- Definite keeper. +Here's one you might remember +from The Cranberries. +Out of all the songs, huh? +Bill, since it's our son's wedding... +...do you mind if I dance +with my ex-husband for a minute? +- Not at all. +- Thank you. +Just have her back by midnight, +all right, champ? +You got it, Bill. +Why does he have +a bathing suit on? +Nice Speedo, buddy. +Still smelling good, huh? +After all these years. +Are you happy? +Of course I'm happy, +our son just got married. +Not about that. Are you happy +about where our lives ended up? +"Ended." It's not over yet. +- That's my Donna. +- It's true. +That Samantha? +Hey. What are you doing? +Put a sweater on. Cover them up. +What is with you? +Just kidding, I... +Just not used to seeing you +all grown-up like this. +Okay, well, if that's your way of telling +me that I look pretty, then thank you. +Let's go get some cake. +- I'll race you there, Dad. Come on. +- Okay. +"Dad"? +Michael, are you okay? +Is there a doctor? +We need a doctor here! +Michael! +- Dad! +- Dad! +It's just corn flakes. +One dance, you pop an artery. +Why'd you make me +waste my entire life? +You were fast-forwarding +through your life... +...long before you ever met me. +You lived the life you chose, +big shot. +This is not the life I wanted. +It is. +Looks like it is. +Hey. You're up. How you feeling? +I feel better +now that you guys are here. +Samantha's been here +like 36 hours straight. +She said she wouldn't leave +the hospital until you woke up. +- Why'd you do that? +- Because. You're my father. +I thought Bill was your father. +I have two fathers. +One of them told me he was gonna +live till he was 200. Remember? +You both really need +to get some sleep. +And I got a plane to catch. +Big Ben's gotta go +on his honeymoon. +Actually, I just cancelled +the honeymoon. +Kensington deal might fall through, +so I gotta go do damage control. +- Julie and I can go to Italy anytime. +- No. +It's not that big a deal. +- That's not fair to your wife. +- Dad... +...she gets it. Keeping +the business going is more important. +Guys, I'm sorry. You're gonna +have to leave. He needs his rest. +All right. Bye, Dad. +Bye, Daddy. +Get this off of me. +Whoa, whoa! +Hey, fella, you're a long way +from walking out of here. +I gotta see my son. +You're not going anywhere. +Now, get back into the bed. +- Isn't that Colin Farrell? +- Where? +Michael. +Those machines +are keeping you alive. +I gotta talk to my boy. +- Michael, stop. +- No. +Michael, it doesn't have to end now. +Ben! +Ben! +Ben! +Ben! +Dad? Dad? +Dad, what are you doing? +Are you okay? +- Oh, my God. +- Help! Help! +- Dad! Dad! +- Help! +Ben, Ben. +Family. Family. Family. +What? +Family. Family. Family comes first. +Family comes first. +Honeymoon. Honeymoon. +Honeymoon. I love you. +Samantha. Samantha. +I didn't make 200, but I love you. +I love you. +Bill, Bill, Bill. +I'm sorry. +Michael. +The note you wrote her, +it's in your pocket. +Forever and ever, babe. +It's time to go. +- Where am I? +- You're in Bed Bath & Beyond, sir. +I was just watching you sleep. +You looked like you were having +a crazy dream. +What? +You're not supposed to lay +in the beds, but I do sometimes. +I'm back in the store? +I'm young again. I'm young again. +Well, I mean, +you're not "young" young. +I'm young. +You're kind of on the back nine. +No, no. No. I'm just teeing off, baby. +Look at you. +You want a friend? You want a friend? +I'll be your friend, baby. +I'll be your friend. I'll be your... +Oh, my God! +Yes, my crappy car! +You mediocre, middle-class +piece of ♥♥♥♥! +I love you! +Pop, Pop. Pop. +There he is. There he is. +- What's wrong? What happened? +- Nothing's wrong. +Everything's incredible, Ma. +I just wanted to tell you I love you. +- I love you. +- I love you so much. +You gotta tell me how you do +the quarter trick, it's driving me crazy. +A magician never reveals +his secrets. +However, if you invite us over +for dinner more... +You come over tomorrow night, and +the night after that. Any time you want. +- Stop, I'm gonna have a heart attack. +- No, I have the heart attacks. +Thank you so much for giving +birth to me, +Script Part 8 +I know it hurt. Okay? +You have no idea. But, honey, please, +stay off the bong pipe. +I can't promise you that. +Okay. I'm up. +What do you think? +If you massage me first. +Okay, let's go to sleep. +Mom, wake up! +There's a crazy noise downstairs. +What the heck is going on? +Hey, do you mind? +I am trying to concentrate. +Here I am, staying up all night... +...trying to come up with activities +for our Fourth of July camping trip... +...but you won't let me think! +You want time to think? Why don't you +think about the fact that you just wo... +What did you just say? +Yes, you heard me. +If you keep up this weird attitude... +...I won't be able to work for a year +and have to plan 10 more vacations. +- That make you happy? +- Did you eat a bad Yodel? +Give me those big lips. +- What's going on down here? +- Ben. Ben! +Come here. Oh, my God. +I missed you, I missed you. +Look at you, boy. +I'm gonna finish the tree house. +We're gonna sleep in it next weekend. +From now on, we're gonna exercise +and I'm not gonna wear a Speedo. +- All right! +- All right. +And you. Nice jump! I love you. +One day, you are gonna be +the hottest chick alive. +But you still gotta have brains. +So tomorrow I'm gonna +teach you calculus. +You know calculus? +I knew you'd call me on that. +Your mom will teach you. +Now, get your rest, because tomorrow +we're going camping! +I know! It's gonna be the best! +- Put a sweater on! Don't take it off! +- Okay, Daddy. +Oh, and Sundance! +Doggie years go by very quick, +so it's time to enjoy the real thing. +Yeah, go get some, baby. +What are you doing? +What are you doing? +No. Go to Sundance, not the duck. +They told me at the pet store +it was a female. +They lied to me, I guess. +- You staying downstairs tonight? +- Why? That's getting you going? +It's Fourth of July, +I'm gonna celebrate with my wife. +Take my time, massage her, +make sure she is fully satisfied. +But you know, it isn't +the Fourth of July, it's only the 2nd. +That's even better. +Happy 2nd of July, honey. +- Think I like this holiday. +- Yeah? +I'm gonna go change +into my Pocahontas costume. +- I'll see you upstairs. +- I'll bring the duck. +Okay, I gotta call my dad +and tell him to get the old tent ready. +"Like I said, +'Good guys need a break.' +I know you'll do +the right thing this time. +Love, Morty. +P. S: +Your wife's rocking body +still drives me crazy." +Okay, Morty. +Hey, who wants +to have a pillow fight? +`); \ No newline at end of file