| title | datePublished | cuid | slug | canonical | cover | tags |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
Something Just for Myself |
Sat Aug 31 2024 19:00:00 GMT+0000 (Coordinated Universal Time) |
cm4asvxtj002i08jxabs61ecd |
something-just-for-myself |
life, health-cjaeh844x02vvo3wtj5r2s75q |
I’ve done a bunch of writing for business purposes, but recently, I realized that I haven’t done much writing for myself; I need another outlet that isn’t tied to some professional purpose—and it doesn’t have to be completely private, either. So, I’ve started this personal ledger.
When something about my life strikes inspiration, I’ll come here to jot it down, and maybe record the words using a new AI-cloned voice (I’m working on that now).
If you follow this, hopefully you’ll get something out of my random thoughts and writing.
For now, I’ll start with something deeply personal: a brief history of my medical battles. The health issues I’ve been experiencing over the last seven years or so are getting worse. Those who know me might have witnessed or heard word of a few things that have been going on, but because this progression has been so protracted, it is difficult to view the whole picture. I’ve been hesitant in the past to be forthcoming about these issues (I was still working at the time) because while my doctors have been monitoring and treating symptoms, they—and I—don’t have a unifying cause or diagnosis. It is quite complicated.
In the middle of 2017, I started experiencing noticeable hearing loss in both ears. More alarming at the time was the onset of 24/7 tinnitus, or ringing in the ears. Imagine, if you will, a high-pitched tone ringing in your head all day and all night without reprieve.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
This is why I listen to music.
I used to work out a lot. CrossFit and kettlebell lifting were my two main loves. Physical exertion released the stress of my job (I used to work crime scenes and testify in court), and the community was encouraging and supportive. In 2017, I started experiencing some training deficits (missed box jumps, pull-ups, heavier weights), and as time went on, I never got these abilities back.
September 2018 was the worst month of my life, at least so far. Early in the month, I woke up with what I can only describe as an indescribable sickness. My entire body felt acidic; my throat muscles and tongue were thick and flaccid; nausea wracked my entire body. I felt like I could only exhale. After calling 911, I was hospitalized for a few days, got sent home, then got hospitalized again. I made friends with Emergency Room personnel because I went back a half-dozen times or so.
My first experiences with panic attacks came on this September, and they recurred almost every night for about 3-4 months. There are still a few times lying in bed when I can feel something coming on, but I’ve learned how to control these attacks since then.
Gradually, after recovering from September 2018, constant, deep-seated fatigue started settling in. While I tried to get back into physical training, it was not sustainable with my ever-decreasing energy levels. The problems became severe enough for me to withdraw from the crime scene callout rotation. Aside from my retirement, this was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make regarding my professional life. I loved that work.
Back in 2019, I joined another CrossFit gym in my ever-stubborn denial of the health issues I was experiencing. During an obstacle course, I was finishing a box jump-over (which were normally cake for me), and as I landed on my feet, my legs gave out and I fell to the ground. What the fuck?
In early 2020, during the pandemic, I started tripping and stumbling on the sidewalk while Aries (my dog) gave me exercise around the neighborhood. The cramping in my legs started getting worse, I became clumsy and prone to falling if I wasn’t careful, and I started waking up with extreme pain in random body parts.
Worst of all, my work as a forensic firearms examiner was starting to be affected. My arms started shaking lifting trigger weights, and 5 pounds became 15 pounds. Performing test-fires on guns became problematic as my grip strength was growing increasingly weaker.
Damn it, body, you already took away scene work, now you’re gonna take away my lab work, too?
In early fall, I met with my doctor and got a letter for accommodations at work. At the end of 2020, I started using a cane to help me walk.
To add on to all of this, my piano practice suffered. Gradually, I made more and more mistakes, and precise articulation of notes and dynamics eventually became impossible. With my love for music still going strong, however, I switched my focus to electronic music production, something I was dabbling in for a bit in previous years.
Throughout 2021, walking and standing for extended periods of time became increasingly difficult, painful, and draining. I started using the cane regularly. In the middle of October 2021, I attended a friend’s wedding in Wisconsin. This trip was the first time I travelled using a wheelchair. Easy fatigue and physical exhaustion made walking and standing in line difficult and painful. It was difficult and a significant life adjustment, but I’m glad I started to adapt early. It has made my life so much easier since then.
When I returned to work, I arrived at the office for the first time in a wheelchair. It was the best way I could accommodate my fatigue, as walking with a cane over a long distance became extremely difficult. To accommodate the regular use of a wheelchair, I acquired a mobility van.
In January 2022, my physical deterioration necessitated retirement with disability from regular work. That’s all I’m going to write regarding that in this post.
Weakness in my arms and legs in addition to the severe fatigue required me to relinquish driving permanently. It doesn’t do anyone good if I can’t press down on the brake pedal or turn the steering wheel.
In May this year, I suffered a seizure and lost significant control of my voice. You can read the previous post for my thoughts about that.