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30-Minutes-or-Less.txt
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30 MINUTES OR LESS
Written by
Michael Diliberti & Matthew Sullivan
12-11-09
The following is very loosely based on some shit that actually
happened...
OVER BLACK
We hear the roar of a V8 engine, piped out through some
throaty, fucked up muffler, as
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
An '89 Mustang bursts like a shot over a rise in the highway.
It's got a rusted two-tone paint job, Maryland plates, and
bald tires that scream as it peels off an exit and into the
EXT. SUBURBS - DAY
The car fast approaches a stop sign, dangerously blows through
the intersection.
INT. MUSTANG - DAY - MOVING
We don't see the DRIVER, only the redlining RPMs, Vans slip-
ons working the pedals, wristwatch being checked. The wheel
cranks right as the car turns onto a -
One way street. A minivan flies right at us. The Mustang
hops up onto the curb to avoid it, clips a trash can and -
Garbage explodes like confetti. The wipers engage, brushing
the trash aside. The car whips another turn and
EXT. SUBURBS - DAY
The Mustang fishtails around a corner and skids away.
CUT TO:
TIRES SCREECH
Brake pads smoke. The Mustang stops outside
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
The Driver jumps out of the car. As he rushes to the front
door, we see the urgent package he is delivering.
TWO LARGE PIZZAS
Before he can ring the bell, the door opens and two smug 15-
YEAR-OLDS stare out.
15-YEAR-OLD
That's 34 minutes. You're 4 minutes
late. Pizza's free.
REVEAL our guy staring back at the kids. This is WILL (25),
probably good looking in another life.
2.
Right now, he is tired and unamused, wearing a red "Giorgio's
Trattoria" hat and a sweaty matching t-shirt.
WILL
Gimme a break. You guys live two
towns away. It's pretty much fucking
impossible to get here in 30 minutes.
OTHER 15-YEAR-OLD
Exactly. That's why we ordered from
your shitty "trattoria."
WILL
This is gonna come out of my paycheck.
You sure you don't want to take the
moral high ground?
OTHER 15-YEAR-OLD
We'd rather take the pizzas.
Will takes a calming breath. Hands over the pizzas.
WILL
Ok. You guys are pretty smart. You
figured out a way to beat the system.
(PEEKS INSIDE)
Got the house to yourselves?
15-YEAR-OLD
That's right.
WILL
Not bad. Any jailbait in there?
Little pizza and a rainbow party?
The kids shakes their heads.
WILL
Seriously? Well, two hustlers like
yourselves gotta have the place
stocked with beer and whippits and
shit, right? Just call the girls up
and let them know the party's on.
15-YEAR-OLD
Man, we don't have any of that stuff.
Will makes a show of mulling this over.
WILL
I really shouldn't do this...but you
seem like a couple of good dudes.
I'll tell you what, you give me the
money that your mom left you for the
pizzas, and I'll grab you some beers.
(MORE)
3.
WILL (CONT'D)
(BEAT)
But I get to keep the change as a
tip. Deal?
The kids look at each other. One hesitantly pulls out some
cash. Will snatches it and heads off.
WILL
I'll see you in like 20 minutes.
The kids look uncertain. As if sensing this, Will stops
before getting into his ride.
WILL
You boys like Budweiser, right?
15-YEAR-OLD
Uh, yeah, totally.
OTHER 15-YEAR-OLD
Love that shit!
INT. MUSTANG - DAY - MOVING
The sun sets. Will cruises back into his own middle-class
town in suburban Maryland.
A six pack of Budweiser rests in the passenger seat.
Will stops at a light. Checks out a PRETTY YOUNG THING in
the Jeep beside him. She catches him looking, rolls her
eyes. The light turns and the Jeep skids away.
Will self consciously removes his "Giorgio's" cap.
INT. GIORGIO'S TRATTORIA - NIGHT
Will enters and nods at CHRISTOPHER (40s), the manager. His
balding head is nearly translucent from absorbing a day's
worth of pizza grease.
WILL
Yo, Chris. Let me cash the fuck out.
Will hands over some cash to Christopher.
CHRISTOPHER
You have a pretty good shift?
WILL
For sure. I mean, the part where I
had to drop off all those pizzas
kinda sucked, but the rest was cool.
4.
CHRISTOPHER
Oh, yeah? 'Cause, I got some kids
calling in saying you ripped them off.
Promised to buy them beer or something.
WILL
I actually did buy the beer, but it
would have been illegal to give it
to them, right? So I'm gonna do the
responsible thing and drink it myself.
CHRISTOPHER
That's real funny. But I'm trying
to run a business here.
WILL
What kind of business promises to
deliver anywhere in 30 minutes?
It's ridiculous.
CHRISTOPHER
I don't wanna hear another one of
your bullshit excuses. You're fired.
WILL
Come on. If I didn't need this job,
I wouldn't be doing this shitty job.
Chris is unmoving.
WILL
Fuck! Whatever!
Will storms off. As he gets to the door -
CHRISTOPHER
You know, you were an okay driver
half the time. And you're not a Puerto
Rican. Which means something to me.
WILL
That's poignant.
CHRISTOPHER
I guess I could rehire you, on a
provisional basis. Of course, this
would be at the slightly reduced
"new company rate."
WILL
Are you fucking serious?
CHRISTOPHER
I don't know. Is there anyone else
left in town for you to work for?
5.
Will shakes his head. Swallows what's left of his pride.
WILL
When do I start?
EXT. SMALL APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
Will sits on the darkened front stoop. He tosses an empty
can into the bushes and gets to work on his fourth beer.
He looks over at a parked Hyundai Elantra. A YOUNG MAN sits
in the passenger seat with a pensive look on his face. He
makes a sudden, surprised gasp. The homely YOUNG WOMAN who
was just blowing him sits up from his lap and rearranges
herself in the driver seat. She leans over for a goodbye
kiss. The Young Man obliges with much fanfare.
The Young Man gets out and the car pulls away. This is CHET
(25), a clean cut guy dressed in the Gap Premium Collection.
He heads toward the building, high off his BJ, humming
Outkast's "Ms. Jackson." He stops when he notices Will in
the shadows.
CHET
What the hell? Have you just been
sitting there?
WILL
Yep. Caught the whole show. Really
classy move at the end. You know,
the kiss. Putting your tongue in
her mouth right after you fucked it.
CHET
Hey, a nice girl decides to pleasure
me on a weeknight, in her car no
less...I'm not gonna make her feel
like an untouchable. I'm gonna make
her feel like a lady.
WILL
What manners. May I offer you some
alcohol, sir. To wash the taste of
yourself out of your mouth.
Will offers his beer. Chet takes a slug, gurgles for effect.
CHET
By the way, she said she had a friend.
Maybe we can go on our first double
date since you tried to talk Jackie
Fortunato and her cousin into having
a four-way with us.
WILL
I misread their body language. It
happens.
6.
Will picks up some rented movies sitting beside him.
WILL
Come on. Let's go inside, drink
your beer and watch shit get crazy.
(FANS MOVIES)
Old favorites. You choose. Lethal
Weapon, Lethal Weapon 2...was gonna
get the third Lethal Weapon, but
decided on a porn. So it's really
between the first two.
CHET
I choose sleep. I gotta teach a
class at eight.
WILL
You're a sub. Just call in sick.
Like the real teacher did.
CHET
Come on, man, you know I got promoted
to full-time last month. You bought
me a laser pointer.
Will heaves a sigh.
WILL
Yeah, I know. I guess I'm just having
a hard time accepting you as "the
man." You know, flunking kids, giving
out spite detentions to girls you
wanna fuck, laser pointing at shit.
CHET
I also get healthcare and my summers
off. It's not perfect, but it's a
career.
Will grudgingly stands up.
WILL
I guess that's just the difference
between you and me.
He holds up the Lethal Weapon DVDs.
WILL
I'm like Riggs. Cruising the streets.
No rules, no attachments. Every
other day some asshole is trying to
take my badge. You're fucking
Murtaugh. Always worried about your
pension. Well, guess what, it gets
old after the first movie.
7.
CHET
I just got head. I'm totally Riggs.
Will shakes his head, turns and walks off.
INT. STUDIO APARTMENT - DAY
Will wakes up, legs dangling over the edge of a tiny couch.
His TV is still on, displaying the menu screen from a porn.
Will looks down at his coffee table. Clears some magazines
to reveal a file folder. Flips the cover -
It's full of college applications, drafts of admissions essays,
a junior college transcript. Will thumbs through one of the
glossy applications. The kids look young. Very young.
Will glances over at a picture on his wall: he and Chet at
high school graduation, looking just as young. They have
their arms around a pretty girl squeezed between them. Will
and the girl look very high and very happy.
Will shuts the folder, slides it back under the coffee table
debris. He looks over at a clock: it is already 2:00 PM.
WILL
Fuck.
INT. MUSTANG - DAY
Will jumps in and starts the engine. As he tucks his
"Giorgio's" cap onto his head, he catches his reflection in
the rear-view mirror.
WILL
You asshole. You titanic asshole.
Come on down and get your prize.
He makes his fingers into a gun, puts it to his head...pulls
the trigger and
BOOM!
WE'RE IN
EXT. OPEN FIELD - DAY
A watermelon explodes in a shower of red, juicy bits. Loud,
dumb laughter echoes.
Standing 20 yards away is DWAYNE (32), an intense, meaty guy
in a sleeveless Baltimore Ravens t-shirt. On his left bicep
is a tattoo of the Tasmanian Devil flipping the bird.
DWAYNE
Fruit motherfuckin' salad!
8.
Crouched beside him is JAY (27), tall and awkward, in a wool
surplus cap. He carefully rigs homemade explosives to another
watermelon, then looks up at Dwayne. His eyes are magnified
into saucers by his thick glasses. There's a peculiar
eagerness to please in them.
JAY
This one's gonna blow even bigger.
DWAYNE
Boy, if you weren't such a skinny
little bitch you coulda been in the
military or something.
JAY
Whatever. I don't need the military.
I taught myself how to do this shit.
DWAYNE
I hear that. I taught myself how to
eat pussy. And cut my own hair.
Jay jogs the watermelon a safe distance away. He returns
and pulls out a detonator. Dwayne snatches it.
DWAYNE
This one's all me.
(makes "radio" sounds)
Mr. President, we have enemies at
the gate. Give me the order.
(more "radio" sounds)
Fuck that, sir. I don't negotiate
with terrorists!
Dwayne presses a button and
BOOM!
The explosion is so powerful that it sprinkles our guys'
smiling faces with fruit juice.
INT. KITCHEN, NICE HOUSE - DAY
Large and early-90s chic. Dwayne and Jay have the fridge
open, fixing themselves a cold cut plate. Dwayne is debating
the amount of meat on the plate...adds some more.
DWAYNE
Wanna make sure I get enough calories.
JAY
I thought you wanted to get diesel
for the summer. Bang that towel
girl at the community pool.
9.
DWAYNE
It's obvious you don't know shit-all
about physical fitness. You gotta
bulk up first, then you slim down.
I'm clearly in the bulk up phase. I
told you to watch Pumping Iron like
a month ago. If you'd listened to
me, maybe you'd know what the fuck
I'm talking about.
(BEAT)
Grab some RC Cola.
INT. LIVING ROOM, NICE HOUSE - DAY
The shades are drawn. We hear a girl scream bloody murder!
The guys are watching FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 3...in 3D. They
both wear cheap cardboard glasses.
Jay jumps back as Jason wields a 3D ax.
JAY
Shit, man! It's so real!
Dwayne reaches out, "touching" the 3D images. He stands and
starts humping the air.
DWAYNE
Check it out. I ain't afraid of
Jason. I'm fucking him.
(THRUSTING HARDER)
You like that, Jason!? In the mask!
Jay cracks up. The lights flick on.
GRIZZLED VOICE (O.S.)
Who are you two fags fucking?
Standing by the switch is Dwayne's dad, JERRY (70s). Most
people just call him "THE MAJOR." The faded USMC tattoo on
his thick forearm explains why.
JAY
Afternoon, Major.
Dwayne flops back onto the couch.
DWAYNE
Dad, we're watching a flick. We got
45 minutes and a potential 3D sex
scene left. You're sorta coming in
at the worst possible moment.
10.
MAJOR
I bought that TV set so I could watch
my programs, not so you and your
friend could louse up my couch.
DWAYNE
You gotta learn how to share the
common space.
MAJOR
The only thing common in this house
is you. You remind me of your damn
mother. Fat, dumb, and in my way.
The Major grabs Dwayne and pulls him up off the couch. He
gets right in his face...scary, intense. Dwayne turns to Jay.
DWAYNE
Let's get outta here. This movie
sucks anyway.
Jay gets up and files out the door. Dwayne goes to take the
cold cut plate. The Major grabs his arm.
MAJOR
I paid for the damn cold cuts, too.
Maybe if you had a job, or a fucking
prospect, or a clue how to find any
of the above, I'd let you eat 'em.
DWAYNE
(QUIETLY)
You know, you can be a real
sonofabitch, dad.
MAJOR
That's what it takes, boy. In the
Corps, men like you wore dresses to
keep us entertained.
DWAYNE
That's pretty fucking disturbing!
Dwayne storms off.
EXT. NICE HOUSE - DAY
Dwayne and Jay head out, passing a brand new pickup truck in
the driveway. Dwayne spits on it.
DWAYNE
Fuck The Major!
The guys get in a shitty Ford Aerostar minivan and peel out.
11.
INT. DIVE STRIP CLUB - DAY
R. Kelly's "Ignition (Remix)" pumps.
Large, fake breasts, sparkling with cheap body glitter and
pierced at the nipples, shake before us. Their owner, JUICY
(27), a petite Latina, phones in a lap dance as Dwayne pours
his heart out to her.
Somewhere in the background, Jay hangs at the bar, all alone.
DWAYNE
- and he thinks he knows me. He
don't know shit. I got ideas he
could never dream of. I got plans
bigger than his fucking house.
(BEAT)
He didn't even raise me. My mother
did. That was a good woman.
JUICY
Oh yeah? What happened to her?
Dwayne shifts, uncomfortably, at the sore subject.
DWAYNE
She passed on.
JUICY
I hope you're not one of those guys
that comes here looking to get
mothered.
DWAYNE
I wouldn't mind nursing on them
titties, mamacita.
JUICY
Sure. Whatever you say. Maybe just
keep quiet for a while, forget about
your old man and let me do my thing.
DWAYNE
I wish I could forget about that
asshole for good. I'm just waiting
around for him to drop dead. Don't
wanna mess with my inheritance.
This piques Juicy's interest.
JUICY
What kinda inheritance?
12.
DWAYNE
When my dad got outta the service, he
started buying lotto tickets. He'd
play his dog tag numbers. In '91,
the fucker won five million bucks.
INSERT PHOTO: The Major holding a giant cardboard check.
DWAYNE
He had some health problems a few
years back, and since then he's been
burning through the money like an
NBA draft pick. Probably only got a
million or two left. But it's mine
as soon as he kicks.
Behind inch-long fake eyelashes, Juicy's shrewd eyes narrow,
mind working. She straddles Dwayne, tightly.
JUICY
You know, with a million bucks, you
could have anything. Be like a king.
(almost a moan)
King Dwayne.
DWAYNE
That's right. And maybe I'll make
you my queen. Let you polish my
royal scepter.
JUICY
Practice makes perfect.
Juicy pantomimes a long, slow chicken head. Dwayne is blissed
out. She smiles at him, sticky sweet.
JUICY
Let me ask you a question...do you
really hate your daddy?
DWAYNE
Hate him like the Steelers.
JUICY
Then maybe I can help you get that
money now. Before he spends another
penny.
Dwayne looks confused. Juicy puts his hands on her breasts,
emboldening him.
JUICY
I know a guy in Baltimore. He could
help you out. Probably do it for...
(sizing him up)
...100Gs.
13.
DWAYNE
Do what?
Juicy leans in, whispers softly in Dwayne's ear -
JUICY
Kill your mean old dad.
On Dwayne's face as this new possibility pinballs around his
mind, setting off a flood of different emotions.
JUICY
So, what do you think...you ready
for your crown?
INT. MUSTANG - NIGHT - MOVING
Will has one pizza left in the back of his car. He pulls
over outside an office building.
INT. LAW FIRM, OFFICE BUILDING - NIGHT
Rows of cubicles. Speckled with late night STRAGGLERS, bleary
eyes, too busy generating detailed lists of places they'd
rather be to notice the pizza boy walking along. Will stops
before one such work station, looks on for a beat.
WILL
Rio?
KATE (25) turns from the glow of her computer screen. She
has short, messy hair and a sarcastic smile. This is the
girl from the picture in Will's apartment.
KATE
That's the plan. Five days, six
nights. Culture. Beaches.
Acceptable probability of kidnapping.
I leave in the morning.
Kate looks back at her computer, logged onto an Expedia
checkout page for a Rio vacation. She moves the mouse pointer
from the "proceed" key...closes the window.
KATE
This morning I loaded up an African
Safari and a cruise to Alaska.
WILL
Oh, the places you'll go.
KATE
Fuck Expedia. Travel Advisor. Making
it seem so easy.
14.
WILL
It is. Just do it. Get away for a
while.
KATE
Even if I could afford that...they
fired two other paralegals last week.
Now's not the time to be putting in
for vacation days.
WILL
Ok. Done. I've got my dose of the
actual working world. Can we eat?
Will lays a pizza down on her desk.
KATE
How do you keep sneaking up here
past the security guard?
WILL
He's there like half the time. The
other half I smile at him. I'm
relatively certain he's a homosexual.
KATE
Interesting theory...
Kate opens the pizza box, grabs a slice.
KATE
Maybe I should set him up with Tom
Small. He came out to me today on
Facebook.
WILL
That kid beat the hell out of me and
Chet in grammar school. Wow.
KATE
Tell me about it. He fingered me at
junior prom while they were playing
"No Scrubs."
WILL
(WINCES)
Really? What a fucking scrub.
Will grabs a slice. They eat quietly for a beat.
KATE
So, I've got some news...
15.
WILL
I thought the Tom Small stuff was
enough of a headline, but go ahead.
KATE
I'm getting back together with Mark.
Will's delicious pizza suddenly tastes like shit. He does
his best to swallow it down.
WILL
But you...you broke up with
him...ended the relationship.
Finality was had.
KATE
Yeah, but we were talking and -
WILL
Forget it. I don't want to know.
KATE
You sound like Chet.
WILL
Woah, don't compare me to your
brother.
KATE
Well, neither one of you seems to
care that I don't have a life. Mark's
not perfect...but a relationship is
better than working late every Friday
because I have nowhere else to be.
WILL
Sure. I get it. Here we are. Friday
night. Nowhere to be.
Kate shoves Will, good-naturedly.
KATE
You know what I mean.
Will shrugs, quietly devastated. Goes back to his pizza.
INT. SPORTS BAR - NIGHT
Most of the PATRONS are fixated on an Orioles game blaring
from a large flat-screen TV.
At a booth in back, Dwayne and Jay are in deep conversation.
16.
JAY
I don't wanna stick my nose into a
family matter...but killing your old
man? That's pretty messed up...I
mean, unless you think it isn't.
DWAYNE
What we have here is a classic "lesser
of two evils" debate. You got one
evil: me shaving a few years off The
Major's shitty life. Then you got
the other evil: The Major ruining my
entire awesome life by blowing through
my inheritance. Maybe I'm biased,
but mine sure as shit seems like the
lesser.
JAY
I guess I...sorta see where you're
coming from. And you have been
waiting around forever for that money.
You deserve it, Dwayne.
Dwayne nods, seriously.
DWAYNE
You know, there's a reason I sleep
'til noon everyday. And it ain't
'cause I'm lazy. It's on account of
me having so many goddamn dreams.
Big ones. And once that money's
mine, they're all gonna come true.
Dwayne takes a long sip of beer, contemplative.
DWAYNE
Like I had this one dream last night.
I was cruising through town in a
Lamborghini Diablo. The wind was
blowing through my hair, ruffling my
open shirt. There was a hot little
piece of ass sitting next to me. And
in the back seat, Jay...was you.
Strapped. Wearing a pair of Oakleys.
JAY
Wow. I didn't know you dreamt about
me, Dwayne.
DWAYNE
It was only this once, Jay. To be
honest, I didn't know what to make
of it. So I consulted my dream book,
and found out it means this: you're
my road dog. You got my back.
(MORE)
17.
DWAYNE (CONT'D)
That's why I want to make you my
partner.
JAY
In what?
DWAYNE
In crime. And business. You see, it
ain't just about the inheritance money.
It's about what I'm gonna do with it.
Dwayne leans across the table.
DWAYNE
I'm about to clue you in on something.
And then you'll understand the true
magnitude of what's at stake here.
Are you ready?
JAY
Yes. I'm totally ready.
DWAYNE
Then answer me this...what's this
town missing? I'll give you a hint.
It's a cash business, crawling with
sexy bitches.
JAY
(BEAT)
A Chinese food restaurant?
DWAYNE
No. A tanning salon.
(BEAT)
Think about it. All that green.
All that brown flesh.
Jay nods, thinking about. He smiles.
DWAYNE
It's also the perfect front for a
prostitution ring.
JAY
Yeah, of course. Because of the booths.
DWAYNE
Yes. And because of the bitches.
(BEAT)
It can all be ours. 30 percent for
you, 70 percent for me. You just
gotta help me out here.
18.
Jay looks conflicted. Dwayne goes dark, like a spurned lover.
DWAYNE
I'm starting to wonder if my dream
book was wrong about you. Maybe you
sitting behind me doesn't mean you're
my road dog. Maybe it means you're
plotting to stab me in the back,
like some snake in the grass.
JAY
That's crazy. I'd never do something
like that. The dream book was right!
Jay looks Dwayne in the eyes, knows it's all or nothing...
JAY
Ok. I'll do it. But I'm not shooting
him or anything. I'll hold him while
you shoot him. That's it.
Dwayne chuckles.
DWAYNE
Here's a fact: they don't build prisons
for criminals, they build them for
idiots. Shit, they got three different
types of CSI on TV, just laying out
how the police do their business...and
still, idiots like you think you can
just go out and do a murder yourself.
(BEAT)
If you wanna be a millionaire, you
gotta think like one. And
millionaires don't kill people.
They hire assassins. Which I did.
We gotta pay him on Tuesday.
JAY
What? Why would you do that?
DWAYNE
I was presented with an opportunity.
I took it. 100 thousand bucks for a
highly trained assassin is a steal.
JAY
But we don't have that kinda money.
DWAYNE
Now we're addressing the real problem:
how do we get the 100 grand? 'Cause
once we get that, we get the million.
(MORE)