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American-Pie.txt
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"American Pie", production draft, by Adam Herz
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East Great Falls High
by
Adam Herz
WHITE REVISION: 7/7/98
NOTE: THE HARD COPY OF THIS SCRIPT CONTAINED SCENE NUMBERS
AND SOME "SCENE OMITTED" SLUGS. THEY HAVE BEEN REMOVED FOR
THIS SOFT COPY.
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
PAN across details in a bedroom...we see discarded
shirts...pants...socks...and hear
PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Oooh, yeah. Oh, baby, you're so good.
JIM (O.S.)
Yeah, I'm the best, baby.
Now we see a TV...but the picture isn't clear. Or, more
appropriately, the picture is scrambled -- it phases in
and out. Bars scroll across it. And we get occasional
glimpses of what looks like --
JIM (O.S.)(CONT'D)
...oh -- that was a tit, tits...
As most high-school guys know (but few will admit), it is
possible to watch the pay channels while they're
scrambled. You just need a decent imagination to fill in
the rest of the picture. We PULL BACK to see JIM -- 17,
short, horny.
PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Give it to me! Yes!
JIM
Oh yeah, baby, I'll give it to you.
Jim is, uh, physically involved with the scrambled babe.
We TILT DOWN to see a small multimedia presentation next
to Jim on his bed. "Cosmopolitan" is open to a sexy
model...a yearbook is open to the "girl's swim team"
section...and a dictionary next to Jim, open to the
"Vagina" listing, accompanied by a big vagina diagram.
PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Don't you love my sexy body?!
JIM
I do, baby, I do.
He frantically looks around...and grabs a tube sock off
the floor.
PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
You're so big!
JIM
Yeah, that's right.
PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)
(deep macho voice)
Ohhh, tell me you're a nasty girl!
Jim is thrown off.
PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)(CONT'D)
Yeahhh, you been bad, real bad!
JIM
Man, shut up!
Suddenly there's a KNOCK at the door, immediately after
which JIM'S MOM enters. Jim scrambles and quickly covers
himself and the dictionary with a pillow. She's
oblivious to his doings.
JIM'S MOM
Hey, Jimmy. I just wanted to say
sweet dreams.
JIM
Yep, okay Mom, 'night.
JIM'S MOM
(leans in to Jim)
Kiss goodnight.
Jim is revolted. Very reluctantly he gives her a kiss.
She turns to leave, and notices the TV.
JIM'S MOM (CONT'D)
Is something wrong with the reception?
JIM
Yeah. Damn cable. There's this
nature show that I'm trying to watch.
PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Fuck me! Yes!
JIM
Uh...
He hurriedly tries to change the channel with the REMOTE,
but instead the VOLUME GOES UP.
PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
BLOW YOUR WAD ON MY TITS!!
Jim panics as his mom reacts, shocked.
JIM
(choking)
Must...be...broken...
JIM'S DAD enters.
JIM'S DAD
What the heck is this?
JIM
Nothing!
JIM'S MOM
I think he's trying to watch one of
the illegal channels.
JIM
Jesus, Mom! They're not illegal!
They're pay channels. How could a
television channel be illegal?! God,
get a clue!
JIM'S DAD
James, don't speak that way to your
mother!
PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)
Play with my hairy balls!
JIM'S DAD
Turn that garbage off! Give me that!
Jim's Dad grabs for the remote, which is sitting on the
pillow that's been covering Jim. The pillow gets brushed
aside -- revealing the Big Vagina Diagram, Jim with his
shorts down, and a very strategically placed tube sock.
JIM'S MOM
Oh my God!
JIM'S DAD
Honey, why don't you let me handle this
one.
He ushers her out. Jim's Dad is stuck there with his
half-naked son. Horrible, awful embarrassment. A long,
strained beat.
JIM'S DAD (CONT'D)
Jesus Christ. The dictionary? Hell,
son, I'll buy you some dirty
magazines.
Jim's Dad exits, shaking his head. Jim sits agape,
humiliated.
PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Oooh, spank me, daddy, spank me!
EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS - DAY
We see a Honda Accord drive by a sign at the city limits:
"Welcome to East Great Falls, Michigan -- A Great Place
To Be"
EXT. FRONT OF SCHOOL - DAY
The front of the school. KEVIN drives up in his Accord.
He's a good-humored, good-enough-looking high school
senior. VICKY rides shotgun -- pretty, smart, confident.
She's holding a large, thick envelope, with a big
"Vanderbilt" return address on it.
KEVIN
It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky.
You got in.
VICKY
You think so?
She tears it open. Pulls out a course catalog, various
forms, and a letter which she hands to Kevin.
KEVIN
"Dear Ms. Hughes. We're sorry, but
after keeping you on the wait list for
the past couple months, we've decided
you are now rejected. Enclosed is a
100-page, full-color brochure on how
rejected you are."
VICKY
Kevin, this is serious!
KEVIN
You got in.
Vicky SCREAMS in excitement, like a girl at a Beatles
concert. Then she LAUGHS, and gives Kevin a big kiss and
hug.
VICKY
I love you!
She hugs Kevin tighter -- as he looks a little frazzled,
almost perfunctorily returning the hug.
EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - MORNING
Jim has met up with CHRIS OSTREICHER -- "OZ" -- a cocky
senior with a football-player build. He cradles a ball
in a lacrosse stick.
OZ
Illegal channels? Shit, if there's
any channel that should be illegal,
it's whatever that women's channel is.
Lifetime Supply of Pantyhose, or some
shit.
JIM
Yeah -- hey, did you see The Little
Mermaid on TV the other night? That
Ariel, whew.
OZ
She's a mermaid, dude.
JIM
(trumping him)
Yeah, Oz, but not when she's on land.
OZ
She's a cartoon, dude.
JIM
A hot cartoon.
OZ
Is there anything you don't jerk off
to?
JIM
C-Span?
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALLWAY - DAY
Jim and Oz, now joined by Kevin, walk down the hall. Oz
bounces the lacrosse ball off a locker, catching it
again. Kevin speaks a little distantly, unnerved.
KEVIN
Then she said -- she loves me.
OZ
Oh shit dude, the L-word!
JIM
And you said...
KEVIN
Nothing, I just hugged her back.
JIM
You think she was serious?
KEVIN
I couldn't tell -- She could've meant
like, "I love you grandma" or "I love
you Vanderbilt."
OZ
Just don't bring it up, hang low,
maybe she won't mention it again.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY
The guys pass by a GROUP OF BAND DORKS, most notable of
which is MICHELLE, who proudly polishes her flute.
MICHELLE
And what we should do today, in band?
Instead of playing our instruments
regularly? We should play them
backwards! That'll be so funny!
The Band Dorks LAUGH and agree, "hilariously" attempting
to play their instruments from the wrong end. The guys
shudder.
OZ
(to Jim)
You guys got the Latin homework?
JIM
No -- Kevin, you?
KEVIN
(offended)
Please.
(then)
We're all golden, we're college bound.
I figured it out -- I can get a c-
minus in every class, and it's not
gonna make a difference. U of M, here
I come.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL NEAR POP MACHINE - DAY
Vicky is talking with JESSICA, a friend of hers, getting
a pop (we're in the Midwest now, gang) from the machine.
VICKY
Vanderbilt's not that far from U of M.
JESSICA
Yeah right.
VICKY
What? We both have cars.
JESSICA
Yeah but, no offense, you're talking
about a post-high school, long-
distance relationship, and you and
Kevin haven't even done it yet.
VICKY
That's not why we're going out.
JESSICA
What the hell are you expecting him to
drive to Vanderbilt for? Milk and
cookies?
VICKY
Jessica! He'll drive there for me,
and I'll drive to Ann Arbor for him.
We're going to have sex when he's
ready and I'm ready. It's got to be
completely perfect. I want the right
place, the right time, the right
moment.
JESSICA
Vicky, it's not a space shuttle
launch, it's sex. So did you do the
physics write-up?
VICKY
(offended, a la Kevin)
Please.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY
Kevin, Jim, and Oz are still walking down the hall.
PAUL FINCH, preppy, eccentric, is sitting on a bench.
JIM
There's our man.
KEVIN
Finch, you got the Latin homework?
FINCH
Non habeo. Canis meus id comedit.
The guys keep staring. A beat.
KEVIN
Whatever.
Someone is HOLLERING down the hall. Running towards Oz
is STEVE STIFLER -- very clean-cut and preppy, he's a
maniac, a jackass, much worse than Oz. Not really part
of the group.
STIFLER
(yelling)
NOVA!!
OZ
Stifler!!
Stifler runs full-force into Oz, grabbing him in a bear
hug.
STIFLER
You coming to party tonight,
Ostreicher, ya fuckface?
OZ
Depends if my date wants to stop by.
STIFLER
That junior chick?
OZ
Nah, gave her the Heisman. I'm
working on something new.
STIFLER
Yeah right. I got an idea for
something new. How 'bout you guys
actually locate your dicks, remove the
shrink wrap, and fuckin' use 'em.
OZ
Dude, it's gotta happen -- she's a
college chick!
STIFLER
Bullshit. From where?
OZ
She works part-time at my dad's store.
STIFLER
Hah! Yeah, Oz, I bet it's more like
your dad works at her store.
OZ
Dude, he does not.
KEVIN
Really, Stifler. He's the manager.
Oz gives a little nod, avoiding the issue.
STIFLER
Hey, man, I'm not making fun. I'm
fuckin' impressed. I mean, "Footlong
or six-inch, white or wheat," that's
some serious shit to master.
Oz musters a little LAUGH.
KEVIN
(half-joking)
Stifler, you're such an asshole.
STIFLER
Meyers, what's the deal with you and
Vicky, anyway? You've been going out
since Homecoming and all she'll do is
blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a
steaming turd.
FINCH
Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of
stool?
STIFLER
(momentarily puzzled)
I do when I'm throwing them at your
mom, you damn freak.
(then)
Alright then, see you guys tonight.
I'll look for you in the No Fucking
section.
The guys all take this little too seriously to have a
comeback. Stifler just LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY as he walks
off.
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
Kevin is on the phone. Hanging near his closet is a
tuxedo. INTERCUT with KEVIN'S OLDER BROTHER -- 25, on
his cell phone, traveling down a California road.
KEVIN'S BROTHER
You called me to ask me how to get laid?
KEVIN
What was I gonna do, call dad? I
don't even know his number.
KEVIN'S BROTHER
Just dial 976-Asshole.
KEVIN
Yeah, well anyway...I thought you
might have some advice, brother to
brother. I mean, I think tonight she
might, we might really, there's a
chance that -- you know.
KEVIN'S BROTHER
Have you ever heard of the bible?
KEVIN
What? Not the Bible?
KEVIN'S BROTHER
Well, that's not really the name, but
we always called it that.
KEVIN
Does it tell me how to get laid?
KEVIN'S BROTHER
You know what, nevermind. You're not
ready.
KEVIN
Ready for what?
KEVIN'S BROTHER
Whoop, you're fading out. Good luck
at that party.
INT. DOG DAYS - LATE AFTERNOON
A small, nostalgia-themed dive. Despite the theme,
CLASSIC ROCK plays. Kevin, Oz, Jim and Finch sit at a
table. They munch on hot dogs piled high with
condiments.
KEVIN
You ever hear of something called The
Bible?
OZ
Once, in church, dude.
Jim is paging through Great Falls' equivalent of the LA
Weekly.
JIM
Ooh, here's an easy one: "Attractive
SWF, fun loving and a youthful mind
seeks outgoing companion."
Okay..."Attractive"...ugly.
OZ
"Fun loving" -- insane.
KEVIN
Unlisted age, plus "youthful mind,"
equals old.
JIM
No, "Charming" is old. "Older" is
really old. "Youthful mind" is dead.
FINCH
Perhaps you should consider actually
answering an ad.
JIM
Finch, you can be the one to date a
nearly-dead insane chick. Eat your
damn imitation hot dog.
FINCH
("for the hundredth time")
This is no imitation. Removing the
hot dog from the Ultradog yields a
better dog. Behold -- Ultradog, no
dog.
Finch displays the cross-section on his hot dog. It's
all condiments. The guys react with rehearsed offense.
KEVIN
(checks his watch)
Alright...I'm shooting for a nine
o'clock ETA. Beer in hand by five
after.
JIM
You can crash at Stifler's?
KEVIN
It's all good.
(He pulls out some gum)
Breath check.
He hands out a stick of gum to each guy, automatically
skipping Finch, who pulls out a small, hotel-bottle of
Scope. Gargles with it. Spits it into his drink cup.
OZ
(repulsed)
Dude, I wish you wouldn't do that.
KEVIN
You got something up your sleeve for
tonight, Finch?
FINCH
A foolproof plan, my friend. You
shall see.
Oz has tuned into the song in the background -- "Blinded
by the Light" [the original Springsteen version, not the
Manfred Mann remake].
OZ
(sings along)
And little hurly-burly came by in her
curly-wurly, and asked me if I needed
I ri-hide --
KEVIN
How the hell do you know all these
random songs?
OZ
It's early Springsteen, dude, this is
classic. This was before the cheesy
remake.
JIM
This was remade? Into what?
OZ
(chiming in as the chorus hits)
Bli-hinded by the light -- cut loose
like a deuce, another runner in the
night, blinded...
KEVIN
At least now I know what the hell
they're saying.
JIM
So, does my hair look better --
(flips a small lock of hair
onto his forehead)
like this, or...
(flips it back up)
like this?
OZ
Who cares?
JIM
Nadia does, that Czechoslovakian
chick, she might be there tonight.
Now, do you think she'd prefer --
(flips hair down again)
Cool Hip Jim...
(flips it back up)
or Laid Back Jim?
KEVIN
The difference is so phenomenal, I
can't decide.
EXT. DOG DAYS - MAGIC HOUR - CONTINUING
They exit the restaurant.
JIM
What about you? You're the one with
the girlfriend and you're still
stranded on third base.
KEVIN
You know, I've never got that shit.
What exactly constitutes third base?
OZ
(holds up a couple fingers)
Contact, dude.
KEVIN
Then where does a blowjob figure in?
They ponder this for a moment.
OZ
Shortstop. 'Course, you don't make it
to third, and you're out.
JIM
So let's say you get there...what's
uh, third base feel like?
KEVIN
Oh, man, that's kind of sad.
Jim shrugs, embarrassed.
OZ
Feels like warm apple pie, dude.
JIM
Apple pie...
(then)
McDonald's or homemade?
They just look at him. Finch hops on his scooter.
FINCH
Gentlemen, see you at the Bacchanalia.
He MEEPS his horn and buzzes away.
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - NIGHT
For a high-school party, it's pretty good. The house is
peppered with ALL TYPES OF HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENTS. MUSIC
blends with the din of excited conversation.
Kevin and Jim are drinking beers. Around them, students
mingle and flirt. CHUCK SHERMAN comes up.
SHERMAN
What's up, fellas?
JIM
Hey Sherman. Scopin' the babes.
SHERMAN
Indeed. Some fine ladies here, boys.
Confidence is high, repeat, confidence
is high.
Sherman is moving to DefCon Two, full
strategic arsenal ready for
deployment.
JIM
You've got something going?
SHERMAN
Did you see that Central chick?
Brunette?
KEVIN/JIM
No.
SHERMAN
She's around. Seems that she's taken
a liking to me. Fellas, it's time
that she experienced -- The
Sherminator.
KEVIN
Yeah, okay Sherman, whatever.
SHERMAN
I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent
back through time...to change the
future for one lucky lady.
KEVIN
Yeah man, right on!
Sherman saunters off into the party.
KEVIN (CONT'D)
(shakes his head)
Hopeless.
Vicky approaches, having a good time, joining the guys,
EXCHANGING GREETINGS. Jim spots NADIA across the room.
She's beautiful, a masterpiece of a woman.
JIM
Oh, shit! There she is. Nadia.
VICKY
You like her? Her sponsor family
lives on my block. Why don't you talk
to her?
JIM
What would I say?
VICKY
Just tell her what's on your mind.
And smile, you've got a good smile.
(then to Kevin)
Come on.
KEVIN
(to Jim)
Gotta go.
JIM
But --
Kevin and Vicky disappear into the crowd -- just as Jim
sees Nadia approaching him. He freaks.
JIM (cont'd)
Kevin, get back here!
But he's gone. And Nadia is now in front of him. With
no other alternative, Jim readies himself, smiling big.
NADIA
(with a really sexy accent)
You are in my English class, no?
Jim smiles.
JIM
(barely)
Yes.
NADIA
I thought so.
Jim's smile grows even bigger, almost stupid. A beat.
NADIA (cont'd)
So you are having fun?
Jim nods, still smiling away. Staring right through her
head.
NADIA (cont'd)
I said, you are having fun?
A little SQUEAK escapes his throat. Jim is on mental
vacation.
NADIA (cont'd)
Me too.
A beat. Jim's expression is now plasticized. Eyes
vacant. A frozen, completely artificial smile. Nadia is
confused.
NADIA (cont'd)
Well...I am going to get another beer.
You want one?
Jim strains to speak, through his smile.
JIM
No...you...go...ahead.
NADIA
Okay.
She walks off. Jim SIGHS, completely relaxing, like a
huge burden is now off of him. He wipes his brow. Then,
realizing --
JIM
Oh, shit. No! Shit!
He pounds his head with his fist.
EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT
A group of band dorks is on the porch, including
Michelle. Stifler stands in the doorway, staring at them
in disbelief.
MICHELLE
We're here for the party?
STIFLER
What party? There's no party.
MUSIC blares from inside. A drunken HAND reaches through
the door and ruffles Stifler's hair.
PARTY GUY (O.S.)
Stiff-lerrr! Par-tyyy!!
The hand disappears back into the house. A beat.
STIFLER
Try the house down the street.
Stifler slams the door. The dorks wait a moment.
BAND DORK
Ring the bell again.
MICHELLE
Ringing the bell is dorky -- let's
just go in.
We hear a CLICK OF A DEADBOLT.
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
Kevin and Vicky are on the bed, making out.
VICKY
Oh, Kev.
KEVIN
Vicky -- do you think, maybe...it's
time for us to take the next step in
our relationship?
VICKY
Tonight?
KEVIN
Yeah, it's such a perfect evening.
Isn't this how you've always pictured
it?
PARTY GUY (O.S.)
(yelling)
Dude, my farts fuckin' stink!
PARTY GUY #2 (O.S.)
You reek like a fuckin' Yeti, dude!
Go take a shit or something!
Kevin and Vicky exchange a glance.
KEVIN
Or not.
Vicky pushes him onto his back.
VICKY
Just relax.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
Oz is in the passenger seat, making out with the
aforementioned COLLEGE CHICK. She's attractive and older-
looking (from a high-school perspective). They are
parked near the river that flows through downtown Great
Falls.
OZ
Great evening, isn't it?
COLLEGE CHICK
Sure.
OZ
There's something about the spring