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Antz.txt
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"Antz", unknown draft
A N T Z
CHARACTERS VOICES
"Z"...............................................WOODY ALLEN
"WASP #1".........................................DAN AYKROYD
"WASP #2".........................................JANE CURTIN
"GEN. FORMICA"...................................DANNY GLOVER
"MANDIBLE".......................................GENE HACKMAN
"AZTECA".......................................JENNIFER LOPEZ
"DRUNK SCOUT"....................................JOHN MAHONEY
"WEAVER"...................................SYLVESTER STALLONE
"PRINCESS BALA"..................................SHARON STONE
"QUEEN"..........................................MERYL STREEP
"CARPENTER"................................CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
Z (O.S.)
(over a dark screen)
All my life, I've lived and worked in
the big city...
We see:
EXT. AN ANT MOUND - DAY
The camera swoops towards the entrance, then dives inside,
past a couple of tough-looking soldier ants who stand at the
gates of the ant colony like insect bouncers...into an access
tunnel that snakes this way and that, past a row of ants
plodding along...
...and into the MAIN CHAMBER of the colony, a huge, teeming
vista that seems to stretch away forever, filled with ants
rushing here and there on their business. We see -- a
"traffic cop" directing foot traffic, waving his arms like
crazy so both sides move at once -- a column of soldier ants
marching along in formation -- a chain of ants letting down
a matchbox elevator filled with workers.
Z (V.O.)
...which is kind of a problem, since
I've always felt uncomfortably in
crowds.
INT. MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR'S OFFICE - DAY
We join Z, a worker ant with issues. He's lying on a couch,
recounting his woes.
Z
I feel...isolated. Different. I've
got abandonment issues. My father
flew away when I was just a larva.
My mother didn't have much time for
me...when you have five million
siblings, it's difficult to get
attention.
(pause)
I feel physically inadequate -- I've
never been able to lift more than ten
times my own weight. Sometimes I
think I'm just not cut out to be a
worker. But I don't have any other
options. I was assigned to trade
school when I was just a grub. The
whole system just...makes me
feel...insignificant.
MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
(enthusiastic)
Terrific! You should feel
insignificant!
For the first time, we see the ant MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR.
He's a mixture of Tony Robbins and Ron Popiel (the
hyperactive late-night TV huckster, and founder of "Ronco").
Z
...I should?
MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
(hopping around
enthusiastically)
YES!!! You know, people ask me,
"Doctor, why are you always happy?"
And I tell them it's mind over
matter. I don't mind that I don't
matter! Do you get it? Do you get
it?
Z gives a fake smile.
MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
(incredibly "up")
Z, we're part of the fastest growing
species in the whole world!
The counsellor rolls down a chart from the wall. An arrow
shows ant population going up, up, up.
MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
Ask me why we're so successful.
Z
Why are we so successful?
MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
I'm glad you asked me that question!
The motivational counsellor opens some blinds...and we see a
vista of the ant-filled chamber below.
MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
What do you see out there?
Z
...Ants...
MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
Right! Ants! Millions of creatures,
each with his assigned task, all
pulling together!
Down below, we see a group of ants carrying a boulder up an
incline. One worker ants slips, and the boulder rolls down,
crushing his leg. The other ants rush over -- it looks like
they're going to help their fallen comrade, but instead, they
climb right over him, and pick up the boulder, continuing
with their task.
MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
You see? Being an ant is being able
to say, "Hey -- I'm meaningless,
you're meaningless."
Z
But -- but I've always felt life was
about finding meaning...and then
sharing it with someone special,
someone you love.
The motivational counsellor puts his arm on Z's shoulder...he
seems to understand...
MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
Z...you need help.
(looking at a clock)
Whoops! We're gonna have to stop
there. Your minute is up!
The counsellor ushers Z out of his seat and towards the door.
MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
Now back to work! We've made real
progress! Remember -- let's be
best superorganism we can be!
INT. EARLY MEGA-TUNNEL - DAY
A gigantic tunnel, with the size and scale of the "Chunnel".
A banner strung overhead reads: "The Mega-Tunnel -- Tunneling
Our Way to a Bright Future!" Along the walls hang 50's work-
incentive style posters with messages like, "You asked for
it, you got it -- more work!" and "TWO MEALS A WEEK IS
ENOUGH!!!" Line after line of ants is working on the tunnel,
digging, passing clumps of dirt from ant to ant, everyone
synchronized.
CLOSE on a clump of DIRT being passed from hand to hand.
PULL OUT TO REVEAL
AZTECA, a feisty, cynical, female worker ant, who stands
there, waiting to pass the dirt on. Z is daydreaming behind
her, with clumps of dirt starting to pile up in front of him.
AZTECA
Hello?! Earth to Z! You better snap
out of it, or there's gonna be a lot
of pissed off ants!
Z looks back, and sees the ants behind staring at him angrily.
Z
(snapping out of it)
Sorry Azteca. Here you go, fellas!
Fresh dirt! Alley oop!
(looking at the dirt)
Shouldn't we be wearing gloves? I
mean this dirt is very...dirty.
Doesn't anyone think of hygiene?
(Z's stomach growls)
Boy am I hungry. I'm so hungry I'm
seeing double. It looks like there's
two million ants in here. When's
lunch? Tomorrow, or the day after?
AZTECA
(sweetly)
Z, old pal...
(shouts)
SHUT UP!!! It's bad enough there's
a food shortage without you
complaining about it every day.
Z
The squeaky wheel gets the oil.
AZTECA
No, Z. The squeaky wheel gets thrown
away, alright? You're a good ant, Z,
even though you are a pain in my rear-
segment. I don't wanna see
anything happen to you. So quit
mouthing off, before you get in
trouble.
A WHISTLE BLOWS.
Z
Thank goodness. Breaktime.
All the ants put down their tools. A beat. Then the WHISTLE
BLOWS AGAIN. All the ants pick up their tools again.
AZTECA
(resigned)
Break's over.
Z
(getting back to work)
This colony needs another tunnel like
a hole in the ground. Why are we
even digging this thing?
AZTECA
Who cares, Z. All I know is, we
gotta dig. We're not the ones in
charge.
INT. TOWN CENTER - DAY
The huge, spacious main chamber of the colony. Looming over
the scene is the royal palace, which seems to be
inaccessible, perched on top of a hill-like pedestal.
Around the base of the pedestal, a crew of workers loiters,
seemingly aimlessly...can these be the only unemployed ants
in the place?
GENERAL FORMICA
STAIRS!
The workers look up and GROAN. Then they start forming a
stairway with their own bodies, linking arms, stepping on
each other's shoulders. It's extremely unpleasant work. One
ant is a little tardy, and just manages to get in place
before...
GENERAL FORMICA, the Pattonesque military leader of the
colony, STEPS ON HIS HEAD, using it as the first step as he
ascends to the palace, his aide-de-camp Carpenter in tow. As
Formica mounts the "stairs" we can hear the workers going,
"OUCH! OOF! YIKES!" etc.
GENERAL FORMICA
Cut the chit-chat down there!
(turning to Carpenter)
We've spoiled these workers,
Carpenter. They've never had it so
good, and listen to them -- always
grumbling and complaining...
Formica steps on the foot of one of the "stairway" ants, who
muffles a yelp.
CARPENTER
...Yes, sir.
GENERAL FORMICA
What have they got to complain about?
Three square meals a day...
CARPENTER
Actually, sir, we've cut them down to
three roughly rectangular meals a
week.
FORMICA
Don't give me statistics, Carpenter.
I know what I'm talking about. DOORS!
Formica and Carpenter have reached the top of the staircase.
There, the two guard ants on either side of the massive
throne room doors pull them open -- and one door hinge
SQUEAKS.
FORMICA
(to guard ant, while
passing)
Oil that, soldier.
INT. THRONE ROOM - DAY
The QUEEN is on her throne, her huge abdomen sprawled behind
her.
QUEEN
Ah! General Formica.
Formica salutes and marches to her, Carpenter behind him.
Note: Throughout this scene, the Queen is giving birth
repeatedly. Each birth is accompanied by a herald playing a
short "Happy Birthday" fanfare on his trumpet. Mid-wife ants
bring each baby to the Queen for inspection, who COOS a few
words. The midwives put the babies on a moving bassinet-
line, powered by ants on a treadmill.
QUEEN
General, the severe food shortage
that faces the colony...pains me.
The thought of any of my children
going hungry...
(she shudders; then,
to baby)
Who's the cutest widdle worker? You
are! Yes, you! Don't forget to
brush your teeth!
(to mid-wife)
Ship 'er out.
(back to Formica)
What steps are you taking to remedy
the situation?
FORMICA
We are launching a major offensive to
expand our foraging territory...
QUEEN
Yes, what else?
FORMICA
Please don't worry, your majesty.
Leave the worrying to me. As you
know, I'm not an ant of half-
measures. I don't pussyfoot around.
This crisis is my number one
priority, and I promise you it's
being dealt with swiftly, and
decisively.
The Queen's attention is interrupted by another baby being
put in her arms.
QUEEN
(to baby)
No snacking between meals! Off you
go!
(to Formica)
Now -- what were we saying?
FORMICA
(Oliver North-style)
I do not recollect, your majesty.
Will that be all?
QUEEN
Yes, General Formica. Carry on, my
good man! I don't know what we would
do without you.
Formica clicks his heels and bows his head. Carpenter bows
low. Formica smartly about faces --
BALA (O.S.)
General Formica!
PRINCESS BALA hurries through a second doorway, carrying a
swatch book. Something about her sets her apart from the
HANDMAIDEN ANTS with her. Her tiara, probably.
Formica tilts his head quizzically to Carpenter behind him.
CARPENTER
(sotto)
Princess Bala, sir. Your fiancee.
FORMICA
Princess! You look -- outstanding.
Is there anything I can do for you?
BALA
Well -- I thought -- since we're
getting married...it might be nice if
we...got to know one another.
Formica looks confused.
QUEEN
Bala has always been a hopeless
romantic, General.
BALA
It's just that -- well, I'm honored
that you selected me, and everything,
I just thought the marriage might go
a little more smoothly if -- we had
a conversation?
FORMICA
(uncomfortable)
Conversation...yes...well...
(to Carpenter)
Wasn't she briefed?
QUEEN
(holding up a baby)
Look, General! A darling baby
soldier!
(emotionally, to baby)
Don't try to be a hero! Just make
sure you come back in one piece!
(handing it off)
Next!
FORMICA
(using the
interruption)
I'll take your suggestion under
advisement, Princess. In the
meanwhile --
Formica turns to go.
BALA
General -- we have to talk sometime!
FORMICA
Very well. Carpenter, is there a
convenient time to talk vis-a-vis:
relationship?
CARPENTER
Actually, sir, we're ahead of
schedule. We have thirty-six seconds
available right now.
FORMICA
Outstanding. Princess...?
Bala's a little fazed...but grabs her chance.
BALA
So, um...how was your day? What did
you do?
FORMICA
(scouring his mind)
Well...
(that's it!)
I declared war!
BALA
(sadly)
Oh...and I was afraid we had nothing
in common...
CARPENTER
(under his breath)
Fourteen-fifty hours, sir.
FORMICA
Duty calls!
He strides across the floor. Bala watches him go, her
antennae drooping unhappily.
FORMICA
No squeak. Outstanding!
We see through the now-open doors into the throne-room as
Formica and Carpenter double-time out of the frame.
The Queen sees that Bala is unhappy.
QUEEN
(sympathetically)
I felt the same way before I got
married. Confused. Scared.
BALA
(hopefully)
You did?
QUEEN
Yes -- but I did my duty and sorted
out all those messy feelings. The
wonderful thing about ant life is
that everything is arranged. Even
marriage. You're lucky -- General
Formica is a paragon of anthood.
BALA
(unconvinced)
Yes...he's wonderful...
The doors swing shut on them -- revealing the two guard ants
who were CRUSHED in the wake of Formica's exit.
INT. BALA'S QUARTERS - DAY
Bala enters, followed by her handmaidens, who are in a state
of giggling infatuation over Formica. Bala is scowling as
she leafs through a wedding catalogue.
HANDMAIDEN #1
(swooning over
General Formica)
The General's body segments are
so...symmetrical.
HANDMAIDEN #2
(giggling)
I'd let him order me into battle
anyday.
Bala hurls the swatch book against the wall.
HANDMAIDEN #1
Princess? What's wrong?
BALA
Wrong? How could anything be wrong?
I'm going to marry General Formica
and be a queen and have millions of
babies, just like my mom.
(concerned)
Do I look fat to you?
HANDMAIDEN #2
(knowingly, to
Handmaiden #2)
Pre-wedding jitters.
HANDMAIDEN #1
You just need to blow off some steam.
Let's go to the bar at the Royal Club!
BALA
The Club's so stuffy. I want to try
someplace different.
HANDMAIDEN #2
There isn't anyplace else --
(making a joke)
Except the worker bar.
BALA
The worker bar! Yes! That's where
I want to go!
The handmaidens look shocked.
HANDMAIDEN #1
But -- we can't -- there'll be
workers there.
INT. ANT BAR - NIGHT
A long bar filled with ants. The bar itself seems to stretch
for miles, and there are hundreds of ants trying to get a
drink...unfortunately, there's only one bartender. Z is at
the bar with WEAVER, a burly ant soldier.
Z
We declared war again?
(off Weaver's nod)
Are you scared?
WEAVER
(shrugs)
I'll be back.
The BARTENDER, a grizzled veteran, slaps down what looks like
a couple of large green beer mugs. Actually, they're aphids,
little green critters he fills up from a number of kegs
hanging from the ceiling. The kegs are specialized ants with
hugely distended stomachs, which spray liquid into the aphids.
APHIDS
(as they're slapped
on bar)
Ouch! Ouch!
BARTENDER
Two aphid beers.
Z
(as Bartender leaves)
Did you see that? How he gave you
the beers, not me? I'm telling you,
he's got something against workers.
WEAVER
I don't know what you're talking
about, Z.
Z
Come on -- everybody dumps on us
workers. You soldiers get all the
glory. Plus you get to go out into
the world, meet interesting insects,
and kill them.
WEAVER
Yeah, but you get to spend all day
with those fabulous worker babes.
We can see that Weaver is eyeing a nearby table of "Worker
Babes", including Z's friend Azteca.
Z
Weaver, they're career girls.
They're obsessed with digging.
(sighs)
No, I'll probably never meet the girl
for me.
WEAVER
Who said there was a girl for you?
I was talking about a girl for me.
(quaffing his aphid
beer)
Don't you want your aphid beer?
Z
I can't help it. I have a thing
about drinking from the anus of
another creature. Call me crazy.
WEAVER
Z, we've known each other a long
time, right?
Z
Of course. You were born two seconds
after me.
WEAVER
And all the time I've known you,
you've been grumping and groaning.
You should quit making waves. Go
with the flow.
Z
Weaver, I'm an insect, not a liquid.
Down the bar, there's a commotion. A grizzled old SCOUT ant
has had too much to drink.
DRUNK SCOUT
Have you been to Insectopia? Have
you? No, ya goddam larvas! But I
have...
(becoming emotional)
...Mosquitos n' caterpillars n'
beetles -- all livin' in peace,
stuffin their guts with food...No
rules, no regulations...you can be
your own ant there...
(howling drunkenly)
It's Insectopia! Insectopia!
Z
Hey, Weaver, listen!
DRUNK SCOUT
I was cut off from my unit -- found
it by mistake --
(slurring)
It changed my life!
(spraying another
soldier with saliva)
You see -- ya follow the great yellow
egg, and you come to the land of red
and white --
SOLDIERS
You've had enough for one night!
Come on, Gramps, before you get in
trouble.
The soldiers pull him from the bar, carrying him out.
Z
(excited)
Hey, did you hear what he said?!
WEAVER
Poor guy's had one too many scouting
missions.
MUSIC STARTS UP.
INT. ANT BAR ENTRANCE - NIGHT
Princess Bala is peering in at the entrance to the ant bar,
accompanied by her worried-looking handmaidens.
HANDMAIDEN #2
We shouldn't be doing this -- it
isn't proper!
BALA
I'm the Princess, aren't I?
HANDMAIDEN #2
Of course --
BALA
And do Princesses do improper things?
HANDMAIDEN #2
Of course not --
BALA
Then if I go to the worker bar, it
isn't improper. Anyway, don't worry.
No one will recognize us in our
disguises.
She adjusts her "disguise", a hardhat, tied down Jackie O.-
style with an ant's version of a Chanel scarf.
BALA
I'm just a common worker, cooling off
after a rough day!
Music starts. An ant BARKER takes the mic at one end of the
dance floor.
BARKER
(on loudspeaker)
Okay, folks. It's six-fifteen, and
that means it's time to dance.
Every ant gets up to dance. Weaver turns to Z.
WEAVER
(draining his beer)
Time to cut a rug, Z!
Z
I'm not in the mood.
(disgusted)
Even when they're off work, they
follow orders.
WEAVER
Well, you just sit here and be a
party-pooper.
Weaver joins the rest of the ants who are lining up for the
dance. The Barker calls out the steps in a bored monotone --
all the ants already know the steps. Everyone dances in
perfect synch.
BARKER
(southern twang)
And a left-right-quarterstep-back
step-halfstep -- a left-right-
quarterstep-backstep-halfstep --
a left-right-quarterstep-backstep
halfstep --
AT THE ENTRANCE, Bala smiles mischievously at her handmaidens.
BALA
I'm going to ask one of these
mindless, primitive worker-types to
dance with me!
HANDMAIDEN #1
But General Formica would be furious!
BALA
(enjoying the idea)
I know.
The handmaidens are appalled. Bala whirls away from them,
sets her sights and searches the crowd -- zeroing in on --
Z, who's watching the other ants dance.
Z
What a bunch of losers. Mindless
zombies capitulating to an oppressive
system --
BALA
Wanna dance?
Bala's standing right there. Z is instantly smitten.
Z
Me?! Yes!!! I mean --
(regaining suavosity)
Just let me finish my beer.
Not breaking eye contact with Bala, Z smiles suavely.
Reaches suavely for a beer. Suavely grabs the candle in a
glass jar off the bar. Suavely singes his face.
He plays it off with a rakish little laugh. A bit
apprehensive, Bala heads onto the floor. Z follows her.
Z
So uh -- how come I haven't seen you
around here before?
BALA
(covering up)
I work in the palace, I don't get out
much.
Z
The palace, hunh? I bet those royals
really live it up. Of course they're
all a little, you know, from
inbreeding --
BALA
(shocked)
What?
Z and Bala step onto the dance floor with the rest of the
ants, but Z can't do any of the steps.
Z
Now, let's see, I -- it's been a
while since I -- I think you --
Bala watches Z, trying to follow along. It's the blind
leading the blind, as Z tries in vain to follow the barker's
rapid instructions.
Z
Here, I'll lead.
Z starts doing his own, individual dance. With a suave
expression on his face, he leads Bala in a helter-skelter
mixture-of Tango, Charleston, and hand-jive.
BALA
Are you sure this is a real dance?
Z
Well, actually, uh -- I'm sort of
making it up --
BALA
(surprised)
Really?
Z
Why should everyone dance the same
way? It's as exciting as watching
fungus grow.
BALA
You're right!
Z
(surprised)
You -- you think I'm right?
BALA
Why can't I just do whatever I want
to do? Why can't I just go wild?!
Yahoo!
Bala starts to get into it, making up her own steps in reply
to Z's, loosening up, having fun. For a moment, the two of
them are actually sexy together. Then they get a little too
wild -- and the other ants, who are still doing their
intricate dance, start to collide with Bala and Z. Z almost
knocks over a big soldier ant. We can only see the ant's
back at the moment.
SOLDIER
Hey! Watch your step, worker.
Z has turned around to see the soldier ant, MAJOR MANDIBLE,
glaring at him. Mandible is about twice Z's size. He's got
one eye missing, and half of his left antenna his been chewed
off.
BALA
You watch yours, soldier, or my
worker friend will beat you up!
Z
(terrified)
Oh, that's okay, I'll let him off
this time.
(whispering to Bala)
Are you crazy? This guy's built like
a pebble!
(ineptly trying to
placate the soldier)
You know they do great prosthetic
antennas nowadays --
BALA
Aren't you gonna stand up for
yourself?
Z's caught between a rock and a hard place. He doesn't want
to get beaten up, but on the other hand, he doesn't want to
lose face in front of Bala. More soldiers have gathered
around, looking hostile.
SOLDIER
How come you don't dance like the
rest of us?
Z glances over at Bala. Then, shaking with nervousness, he
says defiantly...
Z
Because -- because I'm an individual!
SOLDIER #2
An individual? Never heard of it.
MANDIBLE
You look like a worker to me.
WEAVER
Hey, lay off my little buddy!
Z, meanwhile, looks far away, ecstatic, as if he's just
realized something very important. Unfortunately, just at
this moment, A soldier pushes Weaver...Weaver pushes him
back...somebody makes a dive for Z -- and before you know it,
there's a regular bar brawl going on, with Weaver in the
middle of it, cracking heads together, punching ants in the
face, having a great time. Just then, the Princess'
handmaidens hurries over.
HANDMAIDEN #1
Princess Bala! Princess Bala!
Z, who's scrabbling around on the floor, overhears.
Z
Princess? You're a Princess?
HANDMAIDEN #2
The police are coming!
BALA
Uh oh.
(to Z)
Goodbye! Gotta run!