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April-Fool's-Day.txt
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APRIL FOOL'S DAY
Written by
Danilo Bach
rev 1st draft
July 30, 1986
FADE IN
EXT. FERRY LANDING - NEW ENGLAND SHORE - DAY
The sparkling waters. The chirping spring day. We are on an isolated
stretch of country shore , and a quiet, sheltered island is visible
distantly across the Sound. There is asense of anticipation,
excitement. VOICES can be heard. THE CAMERA is the POV of a VIDEO
CAMERA, and a group of college kids wait just o.s. On-screen, however,
for the moment, a proper, sweet-faced young COED faces the camera and
-- reluctantly, under the urging of her friend behind the video lens -
- sets the scene.
SWEET COED
(SHYLY)
Hi... My name is Mary O'Reilly O'Toole O'Shea and...over there is the
island my friend Muffy owns... It's spring break... and she's invited
us over for the weekend, and we're waiting for the ferry now to take
us there...
(blushing, mortified to cameraman)
I don't know what else to say!
CAMERAMAN (CHAZ'S VOICE)
Tell us something about yourself.
SWEET COED
Something about myself? Oh, Gee...
(composing herself, earnestly)
Well, I want to work with handicapped children... My parents are my
best Friends... Next semester I start convent school, and I... fuck on
the first date.
O.S. her friends explode with LAUGHTER. Brassy former deb NIKKI
BRASHEARS gives us a big, wet wink, dropping the act.
SWEET COED/NIKKI
April Fool...
CHAZ'S VOICE
Whoo! Outrageous woman! Nikki, you are my kind o' gal!
He PANS THE CAMERA over to KIT-- a pretty, unaffected, natural beauty,
bright and very much aware.
CHAZ'S VOICE
C'mon, Kit, how about you?
Kit waves him off, laughing in spite of herself. She's got nothing to
say.
KIT
Pass.
CHAZ'S VOICE
C'mon , Arch? Skip?
He PANS over to the other two college boys on the dock here - ARCH, a
big, good-natured, easygoing WASP jock (rugby and crew); and SKIP, Mr.
Preppy, the perfect image of the lazy spoiled, indulged, and reckless
upper-crust kid. Skip also happens to be Muffy's cousin.
ARCH
(ponders it with due consideration)
Yeah, sure... I fuck on the first date...
Skip cracks up. Arch's laughter follows.
NIKKI (O.S.)
Where's Rob?
Chaz QUICK-PANS the camera back to Kit, following the action.
CHAZ'S VOICE
(teasing, with innuendo)
Yeah, Kit, where is he?
ARCH (O.S.)
(MORE TEASING)
Oh, Kit...
Concerned, Kit keeps her humor anyway, waving the lens away again.
KIT
Oh, c'mon, Chaz, give me some room, will you?
He does, finally shutting down the videopak. The image reverts to FILM
again.
NIKKI
(looks at her, persisting)
Well?
INT. VOLVO WAGON IN MOTION - MAIN HIGHWAY - DAY
CUT TO:
The driver -- a still great-looking, turned-out Fairfield County-type
SUBURBAN LADY -- and the passenger, ROB FERRIS a cleancut,
goodlooking, 20 year old public school grad sit in uncomfortable
silence on opposite ends of the front seat.
ROB
(gestures, awkwardly)
Here'll be fine, thanks...
EXT. HIGHWAY INTERSECTION - DAY
The Volvo wagon pulls over. Rob drags out his daypack, too.
ROB
(ABASHED)
Thanks... for the lift, I mean...
SUBURBAN LADY
(smiles, no reason for disappointment)
It was a real lift for me, too, hon.
A late model Detroit sedan slows at the intersection, turning off the
highway to take the junction in the direction Rob is going. A road
sign indicates: "BAR HARBOR MOUNT DESERT" in another direction.
Rob hefts his gear, hurrying to flag the sedan.
The Volvo wagon continues on, braking for the next undergraduate
male hitchhiking down the road.
INT. KITCHEN - ST. JOHN HOUSE- DAY
CLOSE ON a wall calendar. A HAND reaches INTO FRAME, tearing off
"MARCH" to begin "APRIL".
WIDEN TO REVEAL CLARA, the middle-aged housekeeper and offseason
caretaker for the house. With her overcoat and purse on one arm, she
drops the "MARCH" calendar page in a wastebasket, then crosses to the
pantry where a door and wooden steps lead down to the basement.
CLARA
(CALLING)
The rooms are all in order, double- and triple-checked, and I'm on my
way...
She hears a CLATTER from down below.
INT. BASEMENT - DAY
MUFFY ST. JOHN drags a woman's body across the floor. The arm comes
off in her hand.
MUFFY
Shit.
CLARA'S VOICE
Need any help down there?
Clara comes clopping down the steps. Muffy turns, the mannequin's arm
still in her hand. Old workclothes and a head kerchief take the place
of Muffy's normally impeccable prep Seven Sisters outfit (including
the regulation penny loafers) in all this dust. Early 20's, pretty in
an off-beat sort of way, Muffy is every inch a blue-blood.
MUFFY
(puffing with the effort)
No, Clara, thanks. Just trying some last minute straightening down
here... god, I don't think I've ever worked so hard in my life...!
CLARA
Sure you don't want me to stay? There's nobody gonna be around
here to help till first ferry back Monday, y'know...
MUFFY
(continuing with her work)
Nope, you're a peach, Clara. But this one's mine. I told my father I'd
do it, and I will. My way. I don't want him to have any excuses.
CLARA
(dubiously , turning to go)
All right, then. Have a nice party.
MUFFY
(a buoyant laugh)
Nice? It has to be better than nice... it's gotta be bloody
unforgettable!
Clara climbs the stairs.
CLARA
Good luck.
MUFFY (CONT)
Bye, Clara. See you Monday.
Soon there's the upstairs SOUND of the kitchen door closing behind
Clara.
Muffy finally props the mannequin, clearing away the remaining
clutter. She goes to open a basement window for ventilation. It is a
ground-level transom, hinged at the top. Through it Clara is visible
departing the grounds.
Then Muffy hears a DRIPPING. She turns, hesitating, and follows the
sounds.
INT. UTILITY ROOM
Part of the basement, an old washroom and more, with tub, slop sink
and large incinerator. Muffy enters, pulling the chain on the bare,
overhead bulb. It illuminates the room, and the tub underneath --
slightly rusty at the drain, but otherwise spotless -- and the slowly
dripping faucet.
EXT. FERRY LANDING - MAINLAND - DAY
CHAZ, the videocameraman and the only member of the group we haven't
seen till now, is the first to spot the ferry approaching.
CHAZ
Here she comes...
He's a real hi-tech freak and Ivy League wiseass, a free spirit in
neo-punk neck curl and button-down shirt. He shoulders his lightweight
videopak again, taping it. Arch and Skip watch with him from the end
of the pier. But Kit and Nikki, waiting nearer the office, are
distracted by the SOUND of an arriving car.
ANGLE - PARKING LOT
It's not Rob, though. It's NAN, another newcomer. She pulls her car
next to the others in the gravel lot behind the landing office and -
gets out quickly, dragging a hefty suitcase out of the back seat. She
is an unfamiliar face to Kit and Nikki --a shy, earnest, small-town
girl, overdressed for the occasion.
NAN
(HURRIED)
Hi... is this the ferry to the St. John house?
NIKKI I
Any second now.
NAN
Oh, thank goodness ! I didn't know if I was on the right road...
Kit smiles welcome, lending a hand as Nan struggles the bag up the
ramp.
KIT
Hi. Kit Graham... Nikki Brashears.
NAN
Nan Youngblood.
NIKKI
(needling, about the suitcase)
Planning on staying a while?
NAN
(flushes, embarrassed)
Oh, no... just some work for finals, when we get back... you don't
know how far behind I am...
Arch outhustles Chaz for her bag. Her simple attractiveness exerts an
appeal.
ARCH
Hi. Arch Cummings . I've seen you around. Jewett Hall, right?
CHAZ
Chaz Vyshinsky. You got great legs.
NIKKI
(pointed1y, reminds him)
Chaz, Arch already has her bag.
Meaning, Chaz is Nikki's man, especially for this weekend.
NAN
(volunteering, happily)
Well, I only met Muffy this term in Drama Society . I volunteered to
do their costumes... I like to sew... Did you see her in Ghosts? She's
so talented. She was wonderful!
SKIP
(to Nan, approvingly; in greeting)
Congratulations, on finding your way.
The landing BUMPS, the ferry touches down. They look up.
ANGLE CHANGE
FERRYMAN
(BARKS)
Stand clear!
The large, raw-boned FERRYMAN holds open the wooden stile for the one
and only passenger from the island Clara -- to disembark. Clara
passes them , giving first Skip and then the others a look, shaking
her head in sad appraisal.
FERRYMAN (cont.)
(GROWLS)
Ok, let's go.
It's not the friendliest greeting in the world. The ferryman keeps the
stile open for them to board singly. There is also a younger assistant
on board -- BUCK, a pleasant, openfaced townie in his 20s.
FERRYMAN (cont.)
To the rear. Outa the operator's way.
Nikki clutches at Skip's arm.
NIKKI
(IN MOCK-TERROR)
This is it? No going back? Trapped for days on an island where
men are men, and women oughta know better?
ARCH
(BEHIND HER)
Try to control yourself, Sister O'Toole.
NIKKI
(SUGGESTIVE )
You could tie me in chains...
Chaz boards, passing Buck, the assistant.
CHAZ
(a low whisper)
Your fly's open, and your Hostess Twinkie's hanging out...
The assistant gapes, falling for it, groping his fly. Which is closed,
of course. He looks up, grinning. Chaz kisses him on the cheek, winks
and moves on.
BUCK
Sh -i-i-t...
Kit is hanging back on the dock.
FERRYMAN
Come on if you're coming.
KIT
(URGENTLY)
Excuse me. But we're still waiting for somebody --
FERRYMAN
(GRUFFLY)
It's Friday. My last run of the week. I don't get paid overtime.
KIT
But you've got to wait. They said it's the only way over.
If he misses this...
Arch WHISTLES loudly, seeing and alerting them.
PARKING LOT - THEIR POV
A late model Detroit sedan (the one we saw earlier turning off the
highway) pulls to a fast stop in the lot. Rob hurries out; a CHEER
comes up from the group on the ferry. Kit closes her eyes in relief.
Rob comes hurrying up the ramp.
ANGLE LANDING
...followed closely by HARVEY 'HAL' EDISON, JR.
HARVEY
Wait up!
Harvey is the driver of the sedan, and after he carefully locks up, he
comes running with his bag, too. He is a rangy, straight-arrow Ivy
League farmboy from the Border South, and he's the last of Muffy's
invited guests. He also, somewhat incongruously, sports a Bruce
Springsteen badge.
ROB
(to Kit, kissing her)
Sorry... Nik, Chaz...
(to Skip and Nan whom he doesn't know)
Rob Ferris...
They return greetings.
HARVEY
(RIGHT BEHIND )
Hi! Harvey 'Hal' Edison, Jr., but please call me Hal. Only my folks
call me Harve... and I can't stand it. Boy, this sure is a pretty
spot.
Stylistically, he's a Martian. Chaz stares at him.
CHAZ
You're friends with... Muffy St. John?
HARVEY
(PROUDLY)
Sure am. We sit together in Econ 345. I let her copy my marginal
utility curves.
NIKKI
I get it. That's a joke.
Preppy Skip adds his greeting.
SKIP
(an ironical nod)
Harve.
HARVEY
(correcting him, blithely)
Hal...
(noticing interest his badge)
Springsteen, he's still the Boss!
FERRYMAN
(IMPATIENTLY)
Ok, c'mon, I don't have all day.
He slams the stile down after Harvey, the last to board, and gets busy
with the stubborn motor. His assistant helps. Chaz tapes.
HARVEY
(enthusiastically, putting down his fear)
YOU all buddies?
NIKKI
Except for Skip and Nan. Them we just met.
KIT
(AMIABLY)
But we will be.
CHAZ
(MEANING SKIP)
Watch what you say around him, though. He's Muffy's cousin.
HARVEY
(tickled, to Skip)
No kiddin'?
SKIP
Distant. Over the horizon.
Otherwise, I wouldn't be invited...
(frowns, tellingly)
Old money never mixes family with friends.
NIKKI
This is true. For as long as I've known her.
KIT
(JOKING)
To protect her family, I guess.
SKIP
(UNSMILING)
To keep her friends.
He turns to Arch, holds up his hand, and CLICK, a switchblade opens
into the lens.
SKIP (cont.)
Choose your weapons, big guy.
ARCH
(nervously, a laugh)
Hey, what's this...?
SKIP
You up for a game of stretch?
CHAZ
(still taping, to Skip)
Your fly's open.
SKIP
Eat it.
CHAZ
(undaunted, to Rob)
Your fly's open.
(SHRUGS)
Ok, so don't believe me.
He keeps the tape rolling. Rob discreetly looks down. His fly is
open. Kit looks at him dubiously. Rob zips. Chaz beams, getting it all
for posterity. The engine finally engages. The ferry lurches.
ROB
(smiles weakly to Kit)
We're off!
They are indeed.
EXT. THE SOUND - DISTANT POV - DAY
The ferry pulls away from the mainland.
EXT. THE FERRY - DAY
A CLOSER ANGLE. The sturdy, barge like ship craft makes progress. The
Ferryman and Buck remain at the stern.
ECU - THE DECK
As Skip's knife flies INTO FRAME, it bites into the boards and holds.
SKIP AND ARCH
at their game. Arch stretches, can't reach the knife, and topples
over.
Skip hoots triumphantly.
SKIP
First round, the champ!
NIKKI AND HARVEY
Nikki, much to her chagrin, finds herself the object of Harvey's
attentions.
HARVEY
Y'know what I find amazin'? Muffy's her real name. I mean,
I'm Harvey, but they call me Hal, so I thought, 'Muffy', it must
stand for something... Muffin?
NIKKI
Muffers, Moffo, Muff-child , Muffin' stuff, the Muffster...
HARVEY
(GRINS)
I bet you're her oldest friend.
NIKKI
(BORED)
Actually, she's three months older than I am.
HARVEY
You know what I mean.
NIKKI
Harvey... are you planning a career in politics when you grow up?
HARVEY
I've given it some thought. Why?
NIKKI
Oh, just a hunch.
HARVEY
First, though, I'm hopin' to interview with her daddy's
company, Southern Regional Sales, next year before graduation...
Y'know, he's worth more'n 50 mill over the counter!
She just stares at him.
CLOSE UP - THE KNIFE
digging into the deck again.
ARCH (O.S.)
Jesus...
ARCH and SKIP
The knife is at an impossible distance.
SKIP
(LAUGHING)
Go for it, big fella.
Arch swallows his pride and makes a hopeless attempt.
CHAZ
fastens onto Nan, immersed in one of her books. He carries his own.
CHAZ
(sitting beside her)
Whatcha readin'?
NAN
Milton. Paradise Lost. For Professor Russo's course on the
English epic... It's a shame. It's a dying form. Not too many people
read it nowadays, even in college. What's yours?
CHAZ
(SHOWS HER)
Suck and fuck.
Naked bodies writhing in heat. Women with their tongues sticking out
in desparate desire... Nan tries to control her reaction to his stack
of graphic pornographic video catalogues and magazines.
CHAZ (CONT)
The origins of American pornographic film. I'm taking an
independent study this term.
(the passion and commitment show)
My advisor's really behind me on it. We're not gonna be sheltered
college kids all our lives. Someday I'm gonna have kids --
you're gonna have kids and someday that kid's gonna come up
to me and say, 'God, Dad, porn's really a major part of our
lives. You were there, how'd it get started?' I wanna be
able to answer their questions.
(SMILES)
Besides, it's research I can do by myself.
ROB AND KIT
They keep their voices low.
KIT
(STILL MIFFED)
That's not my point --
ROB
You don't want me to hitch, you want me to buy a car. OK, but
I'm a state university boy, I don't have the perks like some
of you private college kids do.
KIT
Oh, c'mon, don't pull that.
Rob just drops his arms in frustration.
KIT (cont.)
I mean, it may show something about your attitude toward me,
always being late.
ROB
Kit...
Arch's voice interrupts.
ARCH'S VOICE
(annoyed, loudly, overriding the other conversations)
Hey, I'm really not interested anymore --
SKIP
C'mon, just one more
The others look up at the interruption.
ANGLE
Arch pushes the knife back into Skip's hand, tired of playing knife-
toss.
ARCH
I said, enough's enough--
SKIP
One more try, double or nothing.
He flips the knife to Arch, handle first.
ARCH
(PISSED OFF)
C'mon, give it a fuckin' rest!
He flips it back hard. Something happens. Skip looks up stunned.
Arch's voice catches in his throat in horror.
ANOTHER ANGLE
Skip stares back, disbelieving, looking down and pulling his hand away
from his chest, where the blood begins to seep and the jackknife
sticks out, buried hilt-deep between his ribs.
SKIP
(PALE)
Oh, fuck.
SKIP
Nan screams. Skip stumbles, teetering there at the edge of the ferry.
Rob and Chaz leap to their feet. The ferrymen both look up in
disbelief. Arch steps forward to help. But Skip, weaving, topples and
splashes overboard. He goes under.
ARCH
(panicked, hurrying to the side)
I'll get him, I'll get him!
But he stops just at the edge of the ferry, immobilized by fear.
Rob rushes forward, with Chaz in reserve, pulling Arch out of ·the
way. But Buck, the assistant ferryman, pre-empts them all, diving in.
Arch, frozen, watches from the deck with the others.
Buck resurfaces, but without any sign of Skip. Rob doesn't wait any
longer. He pulls off his shoes and dives in. Chaz gets ready to follow
suit. The panic mounts. Suddenly:
SKIP'S VOICE
Hi, this what you're looking for?
THEY TURN;
ANGLE CHANGE
Skip pulls himself up, dripping, on the other side of the ferry. He
holds up the knife -- and the padded sash beneath his shirt he used to
imbed the knife -- and grins from ear to ear. The others stare,
totally freaked.
Arch lets go, jumping in the air. Rob and Buck surface, to see as
well.
ARCH
We got 'em! Whoo-ee, did we nail 'em!
CHAZ
(as it dawns, to Skip)
April Fools... you crazy jerks. You crazy motherfuckin' jerks...
somebody could've gotten hurt out there!
Relief descends. Rob isn't laughing. But nobody's more impressed than
assistant Buck, still treading water.
BUCK
(GRINNING)
SH-I-I-I-T
NIKKI
You maniacs... you almost gave us a heart attack!
Kit glowers at them and gives Rob a hand to get out.
ARCH
(TO CHAZ)
Well, at least we don't go in for this your-shoelaceis-untied crap!
ROB
(dripping, to Arch and Skip)
I owe you one.
SKIP
(smiles, to Buck in the water)
How's it goin' out there?
BUCK
That was great!
SKIP
I was really counting on these other turkeys to save
my ass.
CHAZ
Oh, too bad.
Skip extends a hand to Buck to help him out.
SKIP
Sorry about that.
But Buck's in no hurry. The ferryman steps forward.
FERRYMAN
(unamused, to Buck)
Ok, c'mon, get out.
They are approaching the landing dock on the island.
FERRYMAN (CONT.)
(to Buck, gruffly)
C'mon I'm gonna need some help here.
Buck obeys, but his way, enjoying it, ducking under the craft to swim
to the other side to help.
FERRYMAN (CONT)
And watch out for the wire!
Too late. There's a sickening THUMP I The young assistant suddenly
breaks the surface qf the water, panicked and stunned, gasping for
air.
It happens too fast for any of them to do anything. Buck thrashes,
dazed, off-balance, falling back into the path of the ferry as it
glides toward the landing.
FERRYMAN
Buck, look out--
ROB
(IN DREAD)
Oh, shit...
The ferryman grabs the controls, but it can't help.
The ferry, unstoppable, plows into Buck, pinning him against one of
the piers. Buck screams.
FERRYMAN
Buck!
The ferryman rushes forward to help.
For a moment the others are spared the horror of it as the
Ferryman's back blocks their view.
But then Buck, thrashing in the water, tears himself, loose, screaming
and bobbing. up, his head and torso covered in blood, the side of his
face and his shoulder hideously deformed.
It is awful. It is ghastly. And it is unforgettable.
KIT
(IN HORROR)
Oh, god!
EXT. DOCK - ISLAND - DAY
SAM POTTER, the middle-aged township constable, hears the cries and
the screams. He drops what he's doing in his outboard and comes
running.
EXT. LANDING - ISLAND - DAY
The ferryman jumps into the shallow water, pulling Buck onto shore.
Rob, Chaz and Arch jump after to help, but the ferryman pushes them
angrily away.
FERRYMAN
Get away from him!
Buck is hysterical. The gashes of torn flesh seem to drip from his
skull. Seeing Rob and the others, he screams, lunging vainly at· them
in agony.
BUCK
They did it... them!
FERRYMAN
(RESTRAINING HIM)
Easy Buck... it's OK... OK... There's time for
Later... easy...
But it's hard for him to restrain his own rage.
Constable Potter arrives, throwing the ferryman a towel to use. The
ferryman catches it, pressing it against Buck's torn face. One
maddened, glaring eye still stares out hideously at the group.
CONSTABLE POTTER
(TO ·FERRYMAN)
Get him to the hospital, Cal! Take my boat!
He helps the ferryman lift Buck. But the powerful ferryman needs no
further help, carrying Buck to the Constable's motorboat moored
nearby, laying Buck in, untying the line and pulling the motor to
life. Buck continues to shriek, terrifyingly.
The ferryman cast one last glance back.
EXT. THE LANDING
The SOUND of the motorboat fades away. Potter turns back to the
stunned group, eyeing them.
CONSTABLE POTTER
All right... Let's have it.
INT. MUFFY'S PASSENGER VAN - DAY
Muffy drives up. She slows, seeing, through the windshield the somber
scene at the pier... her friends in troubled conversation with
Constable Potter.
EXT. LANDING - DAY
Muffy gets out, parking the new van beside an old island pick-up which
is kept at the dock. She's clean, and dressed in her more usual preppy
garb. She approaches.
MUFFY
What's going on? Sam... what's wrong?
CONSTABLE POTTER
(IN DISGUST)
Tricks. Pranks. Better ask your friends... Buck's been hurt. 'Cal just
took him on over to the mainland. Just lucky I was here...
She returns his stare in dread silence. He boards the ferry.
CONSTABLE POTTER (CONT.)
I came over to check on a report of some unauthorized
activity in the area... Your dad around?
She startles, the question 50 unanticipated.
MUFFY
No, he's in Sutton Place. Why?
CONSTABLE POTTER
No word from him, or anybody else?
MUFFY
(STILL PUZZLED)
No...
He tries the engine. Nothing.
CONSTABLE POTTER
Just like I thought. . Burned out. Worthless...
He steps back onto the shore.
CONSTABLE POTTER (CONT.)
I'll have to borrow your outboard to get back to shore.
MUFFY
We keep all the keys on the board in the kitchen, but I
think there's an extra one underneath the cushion there.
She points to the boat seat. Potter is much obliged.
EXT. ROAD - DAY
CONSTABLE POTTER
(to the others, sternly)
I'm glad you're stuck here, all o' you. If there's anvthin' else, or
anything happens to Buck... I want to know where to find you.
The van moves slowly along a narrow road through the forest. From what
we can see of its occupants, the mood is pretty grim. Behind it, the
old island pick-up truck follows.
INT. PICK-UP
Rob drives with Kit and Skip beside him in the cab. Nobody says
anything . Skip is off somewhere in his own private hell. Finally he
reaches over to roll down his window, but the handle rotates uselessly
in his grip.
SKIP
These goddamn windows!
He starts banging violently on the door, on the window.
SKIP
They've never been fixed...
KIT
Look, Skip, it wasn't your fault. It was an accident. You didn't know.
SKIP
(BITTER)
Sure.
He leaves off his banging. Pause.
ROB
(SIGHS)
What a way to start a weekend, huh.
SKIP
Muffy. Nothing bad ever happens to her.
EXT. ST. JOHN HOUSE. DAY.
It is a truly grand affair, two stories at least, rambling and
picture-perfect with extensive tended grounds, garage, and
outbuildings. Muffy gets out first, hopping around to the back to open
the rear van gate for the bags. Nan beholds the house for the first
time.
NAN
(OVERWHELMED)
Oh; Muffy...
Rob pulls the pick-up right behind them.
INT. ENTRY HALL - DAY
As they come in with their bags.
MUFFY
Well, there's an awful lot to be done with this place.
ARCH
You sound as if you own it.
She helps with bags, shepherding them on ahead.
MUFFY
I will, if all goes well. Next month when I turn 21. It's my first-
stage inheritance.
HARVEY
(AMAZED)
First stage? What's your second?
NIKKI
(DRYLY)
Texas. You might be talking to your future boss, Harve.
CHAZ
Mom, I am home!