"We should never be rushed into maturity. The world would be a lot calmer if we were all given the chance to be who we needed to be, at the age when it was safest and easiest for us to be so."
This document is neither an academic paper nor a formal essay, reflection, or article. I do not claim expertise in any field, nor is this a rigorous analysis of the Adult Baby/Diaper Lover (ABDL) spectrum. Instead, it is a collection of insights gathered over time, structured into a cohesive format. This is a living document, continually updated as inspiration strikes.
I explore various disciplines to understand ABDL from a broad metaphysical perspective. This pursuit is a personal passion, supported by my background in applied science, psychology, and philosophy. While this work is deeply personal, it also aims to be rational and objective. ABDL is often misunderstood and maligned, yet it provides a fascinating lens to examine the human condition.
This document offers an interdisciplinary view of ABDL, observing it from multiple angles, including psychological, sociological, philosophical, and existential perspectives. New sections are added organically, meaning some parts may be more refined than others. Though sections stand alone, reading sequentially is encouraged. The writing blends eclecticism and integration—part exposé, part metamodernist expression.
At the end, you’ll find a "Further Reading and References" section, which includes both in-text references and broader sources of inspiration. Additionally, explanatory notes provide context for ideas that might otherwise disrupt the flow.
This document also acknowledges that while ABDL is deeply personal, it intersects with broader cultural and societal forces. The intention is not only to provide comfort and validation but also to cultivate critical thinking about the role of identity, desire, and self-exploration.
I welcome questions, feedback, and discussion. If nothing else, I hope this document brings understanding and comfort to your ABDL experience. I'm glad you're here. :)
Kindredly,
~ Lukie B. 🐻❄️ kid.lukie.wtf
We all experience a sense of lack—a feeling that something is missing, incomplete, or wrong within us. This existential void drives our behaviors and desires, motivating us to strive for fulfillment. Yet, no matter what we achieve, that sense of incompleteness lingers.
This feeling is not a flaw, but rather an essential part of being human. The awareness of lack compels us to seek connection, meaning, and self-expression. It is the engine behind human creativity and the foundation of identity formation.
Welcome to your subjective 'lack'. [note 1]
This lack either propels us forward or leaves us in despair. Leaning into ABDL can be a way to engage with it constructively rather than letting it consume us. ABDL is intrinsic; rejecting it might intensify the void rather than alleviate it.
A key question arises: What societal conditions contribute to ABDL’s existence and growth? Many of us lacked fulfilling childhoods, and this trend is increasing. Beyond population growth, factors like intergenerational trauma, materialism, the commodification of human experience, and the pressure to conform to rigid adult identities erode deeper existential, aesthetic, and spiritual fulfillment. The constant acceleration of life, driven by economic systems that demand productivity over well-being, forces people to suppress their need for care, play, and emotional security.
Capitalism fuels this issue, selling the illusion that fulfillment can be purchased—whether through diapers, onesies, or toys. However, because our lack is intrinsic and subjective, external commodities can never truly fill it. Paradoxically, ABDL is both a product of hyper-materialist culture and a potential escape from it. If engaged with meaningfully, ABDL can serve as a tool for self-exploration rather than a mere mask for deficiency.
What follows is a synthesis of ABDL as a conceptual model for Meaning-Making Praxis—a way to reframe ABDL as a practice for self-development, rather than solely comfort or sexual release, transmuting it into something more empowering and emancipatory that enriches our everyday lives across all dimensions of our human experience.
ABDL can be understood as a response to alienation, which occurs when an essential connection—between self and caregiver, self and security, self and authenticity—is severed. Not all separations are alienating; natural developmental progressions feel different from forced, distressing losses. However, no one escapes childhood without some frustrations. For some, these unresolved moments lead to the development of ABDL. Some examples include, but are not limited to:
- Being rushed through toilet training, leading to a loss of comfort or security.
- Having a favourite toy taken away, causing grief.
- Experiencing abuse or betrayal, breaking trust.
- Being told to “grow up” or denied something deeply desired, repressing intrinsic needs.
Each of these scenarios [note 2] represents a “problematic separation” where the child is alienated from something they emotionally or developmentally needed and are steeped in shame as the control emotion [note 3]. Over time, these frustrations and shame, if unresolved, carry into adulthood and manifest in different ways. This includes ABDL and the thoughts, feelings and behaviours that constellate around it. At its core, ABDL is a grief response—a way to revisit lost innocence, security, or unmet needs. The practice allows for a symbolic "do-over," reclaiming agency over one's development and fostering self-mastery. However, this requires acknowledging lack rather than using ABDL solely as a means of escape. This grief often leaves us feeling stuck in a moment of unresolved frustration, overwhelmed by conflicting emotions and interpretations of past experiences. Engaging in ABDL practices becomes a way to revisit these moments, to reclaim some sense of control or re-do what was lost. It’s not just a coping mechanism but also an expression of a deep, existential yearning to make sense of that loss and move forward.
This alienation is compounded by cultural expectations that demand emotional suppression and self-sufficiency from an early age. Many people within the ABDL community describe childhoods where they were forced into maturity too quickly, deprived of nurture, or made to feel shame for their intrinsic emotional needs. These experiences often create an enduring internal conflict between who they are and who they were expected to become. Childhood is full of moments of forced separation: rushed toilet training, the loss of a cherished toy, emotional neglect, or being pressured to "grow up." These unresolved frustrations become ingrained, manifesting in adulthood as defense mechanisms, and in some cases, ABDL tendencies.
However, rather than take this as a sign of hopelessness, ABDL alienation creates a growth-oriented space for:
- Authentic Connection—Relationships based on mutual recognition of lack rather than unrealistic completeness.
- Solidarity—Recognizing alienation as a shared human experience fosters empathy and connection.
- Creativity and Growth—A lack of fulfillment drives exploration and innovation.
Furthermore, ABDL often involves deep symbolic engagement with objects, behaviors, and role dynamics that mirror early childhood experiences. These symbols serve as conduits for reprocessing emotions that may have been inaccessible or repressed. By interacting with these symbols in a controlled, self-directed way, individuals can reconstruct narratives that allow for healing, self-acceptance, and greater personal coherence. ABDL often takes on a fetishistic quality because it revolves around an obsession with the “lost object”—whether that’s comfort, trust, innocence, diapers, caregiver, or something else. This 'lack' establishes an internalised desire which can evolve into a fixation or fetish as we progress through puberty into adulthood. This fixation can sometimes distract from normative personal development, creating a sense of being stuck in the past [note 4], in association with the shame of not meeting societal expectations. However, it also offers an opportunity: these unresolved feelings highlight the untapped, psychologically rich material that is often potent in self-healing and integral to the meaning-making processes of our lives. This permits us not to just grow, but to explore and nurture ourselves, and to flourish individually, as well as part of a community.
In addition, ABDL may function as a means to reintegrate fragmented aspects of identity. Through playful and immersive engagement with regression, individuals can address unresolved inner conflicts, experiment with different aspects of their personality, and experience an alternative form of self-expression that defies societal constraints. It is within these liminal spaces that healing and transformation can occur, allowing for a deeper understanding of one’s emotional and psychological landscape.
By reframing ABDL as a valid and meaningful response to alienation, it becomes possible to appreciate its potential for self-reclamation, self-actualization, and the pursuit of personal authenticity. This shift in perspective allows individuals to approach ABDL with intention, using it as a powerful tool for self-exploration and psychological growth.
Here’s where the concept of entelechy comes in. Entelechy is about fulfilling one’s potential and achieving a more wholesome sense of self-realisation. This is distinct from self-actualisation, which attempts to find transcendent wholeness in one's being. However, 'wholeness' or 'becoming whole' is a misnomer [note 5]. What remains is for us to embrace our alienation, to delve into our childhood frustrations and problematic separations, to resolve the grief of our loss, and come to an elevated position of self-understanding through acknowledging, assessing and accepting—"realising"—exactly what has happened to our Self.
ABDL, therefore, while rooted in alienation and grief, also serves a transformative function. It provides a means to:
- Safely revisit and settle the frustrations of childhood.
- Reclaim agency over personal development and begin the journey toward Self-mastery.
- Integrate fragmented parts of the Self to form a more cohesive version of the Self.
Far from being merely a response to alienation and grief, ABDL can be utilised as a tool for immense personal growth. By engaging with these behaviours, individuals can move toward self-acceptance, authenticity, and emotional integration. It allows for a “do-over,” giving space to develop at one’s own pace and in a way that feels congruent with their inner needs.
ABDL provides a pathway to convert unhealthy defence mechanisms into healthy sublimation, thus allowing us to heal, nudging us toward a more authentic, cohesive, and operable version of ourselves. Despite ABDL being generously tilted toward absolving ourselves from responsibility, its greatest irony is being one of the best tools we possess to better sculpt and fashion ourselves, eliciting us to take responsibility-of-Self in the most enticing manner possible: the Self-determination and Self-empowerment that comes with Self-mastery.
ABDL may begin as a response to pain and alienation, but it has the potential to become something much more profound. It’s a signal that we need to address unmet needs, reconcile unresolved grief, and re-align with our authentic selves. Through this process, ABDL can transform into a pathway for self-discovery, allowing individuals to flourish, embrace their individuality, and grow into the person they were always meant to be.
This does not imply something forced (we do not need that childhood re-trigger). Ideally, we'd engage with the Self, others, and activities in a naturalistic way that is open to experiences and opportunities as they present and unfold, with deep curiosity, and a willingness to defy instituted systems that keep us repressed. ABDL offers the exact right kind of childlike wonder, idealism, and social rebellion requisite to our Self-mastery and emancipation.
In this sense, ABDL is both a response to alienation and an entelechy; a way to fulfil the deepest human desire to create meaning from loss and move forward toward Self-realisation. To engage with ABDL is to explore our unlimited potentialities; an aesthetical and spiritual journey into the abyssal plains of the Self, and resurface with profoundly new perspectives about who we truly are as a person.
How can one discover and recognise such perspectives within the Self? Looking at ABDL through the lens of "identity erotics" and "sensuous knowledge" can assist with engaging our ABDLness in a more wholistic and empowering way, giving us fresh perspective to think about the Self and its desires.
"Identity Erotics" is about breaking free from rigid ideas of who we're supposed to be. Instead of seeing the Self as fixed or defined by what it's not (e.g. "deviant is not normal"), identity is treated as something dynamic and Self-expressive (e.g. "self-determination is empowering"). When it comes to ABDL, this means seeing it not as something weird or wrong but as personal expression of who we are, shaped by our history, culture, and sensory preferences. ABDL isn't just "random," it's an evolved constellation of experiences and sequent behaviours, cognitions and emotions, an integral thread in the fabric of how we connect with ourselves and with others.
"Sensuous Knowledge" flips the script on how we think about knowledge. It's not just about facts or logic—it's about feelings, senses, and lived experiences. Sensuous Knowledge says that things like pleasure, touch, and desire can teach us about the world just as much as a textbook can. So, ABDL might be more than just a sexual quirk; it's a way of exploring and understanding the body, relationships, and even power dynamics in a way that feels intuitive and deeply personal.
Put these ideas together, and you distil a way to view ABDL as part of a larger perspective. It becomes a tool for Self-discovery and connection, rather than something to feel ashamed of. For example, think about the power dynamics available within ABDL, like "Caregiver" and "little". Instead of framing these as "who’s in charge," this perspective sees the dynamic as explorations of trust, vulnerability, and mutual energy. It’s about playing with those dynamics in a safe and consensual way, where the heart of the approach is curiosity and joy.
ABDL, like all aspects of identity and desire, are part of what makes us human; merely one of the infinite permutations of how life can unfold. It's time we move past the stigma of ABDL and toward a deeper appreciation of ourselves and others by embracing it with openness and understanding. ABDL is a liberating way to think about attraction, intimacy and sexuality—and how that relates to the Self and to Others—not as something to hide but as something that can help us regain our sense of agency and allow us to flourish; to continually become better a version of our Self, and to help others do the same.
In the context of Alienation and ABDL, Identity Erotics and Sensuous Knowledge opens space for authentic connection to thrive for our Self and Others, where we recognise the lack within all people, leading to our unifying desire to form genuine, warm, and validating connections. It allows us to foster empathy and solidarity for others, and arouses us into Self-compassion and compassion for Others. Through playing in this space, our creativity and growth is encouraged and nurtured, where no matter how you identify on ABDL spectra, there is incentive to create, innovate and explore new, untold possibilities and, ultimately, realise our sublime aesthetical, spiritual Self.
It may be posited at this point that ABDL is, at its core, "Meaning-Making Praxis". Praxis here being a cyclical process of understanding Theory (e.g. a play idea to explore), putting it into Action (enacting said play), Reflexively assessing with a critical mindset upon the outcomes (aftercare; integration of the experience through meaning-making), and then closing the loop by seeking even greater understandings through follow-up Theory.
ABDL is a wholistic practice that enables the continual adventuring into new domains of Self-enhancement, using your interiority to not just better project your Self externally, but also become a proactive interpreter of your experiences. Constructing your own narrative interpretations based on your individual personal experience—being your own "author"-ity—is what empowers you to infuse meaning and happiness into your life.
Here, "happiness" seems too rudimentary to fully capture those feelings of elation and serenity in moments where one encounters a truly profound insight into the Self, Others, or even life on the grandest scale. I'm talking of those distinct moments of Clarity one has when a personal potential is realised, a deeper layer of reality becomes implicitly understood, or a shared experience with another person 'just hits so perfectly' that one cannot help but extract from the experience a sense of wonderment and awe. To be an "author"-ity on your own life is to proactively extract a positively uplifting, spirited sense of contentment about who and what you are—an existential sense of meaning and purpose derived from your direct experiences.
This is Eudaimonic Wellbeing, and it does not come naturally for many people. However, I believe it can be accessed via ABDL. To break it down, here are the three styles of "happiness" tied in with the cyclical Meaning-Making Praxis described above:
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Hedonic (Theory) — This concerns Physical and/or Consumerist pleasures that promote Subjective wellbeing. It is the idea that you can do something because the requisite resources are available to you. An example might be that sense of satisfaction when restocking your Diaper supply, or when your Caregiver prepares a cute little lunch for you. There is materiality involved. You may think to yourself, "I feel great about having [thing] and that I own it!" You are aware that you have available resources, so can promote your own Subjective wellbeing and jump into Action.
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Experiential (Action) — This concerns Mental and Socioemotional fulfilment, and it promotes Psychological wellbeing. It may typified by the actual use and enjoyment of the material item that brought you the Hedonic pleasure. Here, you may experience a stimulating satisfaction upon wearing and using your Diaper, or the flavour sensation that is the Dino Nuggies and Apple Juice you've been provided with. You may think to yourself, "I feel great about engaging with these sensations and I'd like to do it again!" You've had an pleasurable experience that promotes your Psychological wellbeing, and which lays the foundation for Reflexivity.
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Eudaimonic (Reflexive) — This concerns Spiritual Meaning-Making, and promotes Existential wellbeing. Upon completing the Experiential event, you may derive a personal meaning from the experience which you further integrate into your sense of Self and, in the process, continue to author the meaningfulness of your life. You may have used your Diaper because it helps you master your own Shame. You enjoyed the Dino Nuggies and Apple Juice because you have a loving Caregiver in your life, and that is invaluable. You may think to yourself, "I feel great about being ABDL because it provides opportunity to have life-affirming experiences." You've further solidified your relationship with your Self (or Others, or life) and so you can promote your own Existential wellbeing.
From here, having obtained a more robust Self-understanding, you can cycle back to gathering those requisite resources (Theory) to repeat this Self-mastery process [note 5]. You may have discovered you simply love a particular style of headspace a certain Diaper print gives you (Theory), which would be an ideal launchpad to further delve into that aspect of your Self, so you purchase more of that Diaper (Action), use it and author additional narratives about your Self (Reflexivity). Perhaps you observed how secure you felt when your Caregiver provided for you without request (Theory), opening an opportunity for an aftercare conversation that helps elucidate further roleplay scenarios that bring about about that sensation (Action), and so supply life meaning and contentment (Reflexivity). These are just two examples among the infinite many, but hopefully they illustrate the process.
Lastly, there is one critical item to keep in mind when undertaking this process: Honesty. If you cannot be honest with yourself and Others about how you feel and what you believe in, you will be misdirected from the very beginning and you will find yourself engaging inauthentically. This will incur Shame. Your formative attempts in your Meaning-Making Praxis may be structured around tackling Shame as the core emotion, which can only occur when you have acknowledged the emotion, and are willing to contend with its temporary discomfort.
However, I will leave you with some hopeful motivation: it is through challenge that we personally grow and can make sense of our world, and so come to be better "author"-ities within it.
Sexuality has fragmented into countless niche identities and practices, a process called 'the dispersion of sexual fragments' (Sigusch, 1998). Historically, sexuality was viewed through a narrow lens—heterosexual, reproductive, and bound by traditional gender roles. The neosexual revolution dismantled this framework, allowing for the emergence of new sexual identities and expressions. ABDL is an example of how sexuality is no longer confined to genital-focused, orgasm-driven intercourse. Instead, it incorporates regression, role-playing, and non-genital pleasure as legitimate aspects of sexual experience. The act of wearing diapers or engaging in age regression as part of a sexual identity would have been unthinkable in earlier, rigidly defined sexual cultures, but in a world where sexuality has become more modular and fragmented, such practices are seen as another variation in an ever-growing sexual marketplace. Just as BDSM, Pups, and other fetishistic role-play have become mainstream, ABDL represents a highly specific yet increasingly culturally tolerated form of erotic play.
Inasmuch, sexuality has been commodified and normalised through media, technology, and commerce. The increasing availability of niche porn, online forums and socil media, and sex toys has made sexual interests that were once private or hidden more publicly visible and marketable. The online presence of ABDL communities, specialised products (adult-sized diapers, pacifiers, baby clothes, etc.), and even ABDL pornography demonstrates how market forces have embraced and sustained the fetish and its communities. Social media, forums and dedicated ABDL dating platforms contribute to the normalisation of ABDL within a niche consumer base, much like other fetish communities. The increasing availability of "fetish gear"—once limited to underground subcultures—shows how capitalism has transformed sexual desire into something that can be bought, sold, and branded (again pointing toward Lacanian 'lack' and the commodificaton of desire), and invites a discussion about the 'prostetic substituion' of sexual gratification, where sexuality is enhanced or replaced by objects, technology, or role-play.
ABDL as neosexuality is fundamentally decoupled from instinctual reproductive functions. In the past, sex was tied to marriage and procreation, but neosexuality is more about pleasure, personal identity, and Self-expression. ABDL directly challenges the traditional idea of sex as an instinctual drive leading to reproduction. Instead, it is about psychosexual satisfaction through regression, power exchange, and emotional comfort rather than orgasm-centric intercourse, perhaps suggesting the over-representation of not just queer, but specifically asexual identities within the community in comparison to the general population. Many ABDL practitioners report that their interest is not necessarily about sexual gratification but about emotional security, stress relief, and comfort. This aligns with the idea that neosexuality is no longer just about eroticism but also about psychosocial fulfillment. The prosthetic substitution concept in neosexuality fits ABDL well, as the interest often revolves around diapers, baby clothes, pacifiers, and other non-sexual objects that become central to sexual or emotional satisfaction.
Since neosexuality is shaped not just by biological drives but by social constructs, Self-invention, and identity play, this opens space for gender and sexual preferences to become more fluid, allowing individuals to experiment with roles and expressions outside traditional binaries. ABDL practices often involve role-playing and fluidity in identity, where individuals may temporarily adopt gender-neutral or gender-alternative personas regardless of their adult gender roles. This gender-play of ABDL reflects a broader trend in which gender differences are deconstructed in neosexuality, and often incorporates power exchange dynamics where individuals consensually adopt explicit roles.
Given that neosexuality is increasingly shaped by individual control, Self-improvement, and personal fulfillment rather than by societal norms, it therefore represents a private and Self-determined experience, allowing people to explore their desires in ways that are tailored to their personal needs. Many ABDL individuals describe their fetish as a form of Self-care, providing stress relief and an escape from adult responsibilities, reflecting the "therapeutic" aspect of neosexuality, where pleasure is intertwined with wholistic healing, recouperation, and personal well-being and vitality. The idea that people should optimise their sex lives by customising their experiences fits well with ABDL, as it is a highly individualised and Self-curated practice that meets specific psychological and Self-realisation needs.
ABDL is a manifestation of the neosexual revolution, where sexuality has been deconstructed, commodified, and reassembled into new forms. Like many other contemporary fetishes, ABDL reflects the detachment of sexuality from reproduction, the rise of prosthetic and non-genital sexuality, the role of commerce in shaping desire, and the increasing fluidity of gender and identity. Rather than being an anomaly, ABDL is a logical extension of modern sexual culture, in which personal desires, psychological comfort, and fetishistic play are embraced as valid aspects of sexual and emotional life. The neosexual revolution, in breaking down traditional sexuality, has made room for such identities to exist and even flourish, leading toward an enhanced coherence of individuality, personality, and community.
ABDL is social rebellion. Shirking the de facto norms of society, much like how being Ace, Autistic or ADHD is unconventional based on an arbitrary standard measure of being 'typical'. I reckon ABDL at its core is deeply rooted in Self-shame.
Shame is quite a powerful and universal human factor. Kids are shamed out of Diapers to conform to society's standards and become more independent or "Adult."
And even more shameful is wearing Diapers as an adult, as that implies some kind of deficiency or weakness of the Self.
Hence why choosing to wear Diapers is social rebellion; it's actively saying, "I will not conform, and I am stronger within myself for choosing this."
This points to why "potty rebel" is such a popular ABDL aesthetic. Or why wearing Diapers 24/7 is a lifestyle choice.
Or why there is such a supportive community around wearing Diapers, and it increasingly becoming one of the most visible and largest sub-cultures. It's a group of people who, for whatever reason, are empowered by the idea of choosing not to be disempowered by society.
ABDL is an opportunity to become a social rebel and authenticate one's Self. For some, it may be the only life item they can confidently say they made their own decision on. That we rally around an idea of non-conformity makes ABDL a truly valid and useful interest for the disempowered, the alternative, and those who feel maligned in a 'de facto-based' society; a society that is gradually becoming reductionist toward Selfhood in ways that invalidate the individual.
That is worth rebelling against.
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'Lack' here refers to the Lacanian interpretation of the term, and is often most closely associated with desire formation. Fundamentally, it is our symbolic dimension, i.e. our cognitive representation of things. At some time in our early life, we all experience some kind of loss, where the lost entity (diaper, innocence, caregiver, toy, lack of responsibility, etc.) becomes a symbolic representation in our mind, one which we intensely desire and can potentially fixate upon, developing into a fetish, kink or urge to regress toward. We humans are composed of a wide constellation of experiences that can create these symbolic representations, neatly linking to the idea that everyone's experience of ABDL is different, despite a comparable outcome (see note 2 on equifinality). It would appear that to be ABDL is to simply have the right constellation of 'lack', which given the fact we can find relatable people with relatable experiences in the ABDL community, supports the existence of common factors like specific childhood frustrations.
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This explains the 'equifinality' of ABDL; that there exists a multitude of various pathways where ABDL is the outcome. This is commonly expressed in the ABDL community when prompted, "How did you become ABDL?" and it becomes clear there is no one single reason. Yet shame seems to be an especially salient, connective theme. Shame tells us "I am wrong, I am unlovable, I am unworthy" because we couldn't meet some arbitrary expectation of another, or we did but against our own personal desire. In a more nefarious context, shame is the emotion commonly employed to manipulate, coerce or otherwise control another. But shame does have functional uses, e.g. moral and ethical compliance, justice / punitive systems... adherence to a toilet training regime. ;) In any case, because of equifinality, a deconstruction of ABDL requires more of a thematic analysis rather than a causal approach.
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Self-mastery is about Shame as an emotion. So is Toilet Training, and playing with a toy we're "too old" or "not the right gender" for, as is the abuse we may have experienced, or the fact we have unmet needs from inadequate parenting. Childhood is the most formative time in our lives where we're learning our bodies, our roles, and society's expectations... it brings up a wealth of new and challenging emotions that shape our adult personality. Our infantile fantasies are now over and we have adult responsibilities and expectations to meet. Failing this process is also shameful. Irrespective of passing or failing other's expectations, we're hit with shame either way. The shame of ABDLness, therefore, is both the shame of failing to meeting Other's expectations, as well as the shame of passing Other's expectations but Self-repressing. This is why we must emancipate ourselves from shame. This can be achieved by directing our own Self-mastery process via Meaning-Making Praxis, becoming the primary authority within our own life.
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For example, a child may be emotionally abandoned by a parent (problematic separation and loss), so the child learns to introject (defence mechanism) and becomes extremely compliant in order to win back their parent's affection. However, the problem is with the parent who does not resolve the situation, so the frustrated child remains stuck in the loss of their caregiver. When the child matures and, should that adult engage with ABDL, they may seek out a partner who fulfils an affectionate caregiver role in an ageplay scenario (revisiting), and will compromise themself by being overly-compliant to obtain and maintain such a person in their life. This can lend itself to toxic relationships, coercion and abuse, lack of self-esteem and self-respect, intense feelings of shame, anxiety, and depression, and may prevent the Self from adequately developing.
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Fetishistic fixation in adults tends to manifest as recurring, or ritualistic behaviour. It's as if we're yearning to revisit that fantasy-ideal in our minds, to relive the moment and have the ideal experience, clearing the underlying emotional blockage. Yet fantasy can never meet reality. So we constantly chase the unreal perfection of fantasy through an inadequate representation in reality. This gap is the 'lack', and is what keeps us ritualistically coming back to our fetishistic behaviours. We cannot wholly fulfil our deepest desires. Being unable to dismiss this 'lack' from our existence is the very reason we remain 'stuck' in our ABDLness. Just to play devil's advocate, consider this: If fantasy could meet reality, and you achieved your perfect ideal fantasy for real, would you not feel 'complete' or 'whole' and then quickly move onto the next big thing? This is typical human behaviour—we achieve our goals and move onto the next. So it is through chasing the fantasy that we engage with ABDL and unlock its growth-oriented potentialities. Life is meant to be experienced as a journey, and if we reach our destination by achieving all our goals and fulfilling our deepest desires, becoming 'whole' and self-actualising, then what is left to live for? Think of ABDL like the game 'tag' you may have played in school: the whole point of the game is in the chase, that's the fun "play", not the accomplishment of tagging. And when a tag occurs, the game just keeps on going.
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