Editorial: The New RA Controller by jamesbuc

This article was sent in as a challenge for the Rack It Up event. For more information, you can check the forum topic here.

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(Some light mocking/reading ahead here. Please don't take the below too seriously)

Now announcing the thing everyone has been looking forward to, the new RA shop!

Filled almost entirely full of tat that we bought from drop shipping websites, slapped the RA logo on and charged three times the price. We also have redbubble links that we miscopied so they all redirect to pillows with saucy images of badly photoshopped and barely clothed Henry Cavill and era appropriate Tom Sellick. We also have Etsy links as one of the RA owners has discovered Perler bead art for the seventh time and would very much like you to buy his set of off-brand blurry Pokémon made entirely from memory.

To make sure the shop has the true RA experience, we'll post some of the links in RA news, some in the forum and some on the discord and all of them will be buried by all of the 468 new Mario romhack sets we debut each month.

But we know why you're all here. You're all here for the gemstone in our crown, the star in our sky, the last piece of edible cheese in the fridge. It's the brand new RA Controller (patent pending). We heard your feedback as to what sort of controller you wanted and the only thing that was consistent is that you wanted a controller based from a Retro console and nothing says Retro more than a controller that looks like an Xbox 360 controller. Because that is retro now. Ohno.

Anyway this isn't just an Xbox 360 controller that we spraypainted in the most lurid shades of yellow and blue possible. This is the RA controller (patent pending) that has a special RA Button (patent pending) on the back which, when pressed in conjunction with other buttons, causes special things to happen.

Press the RA Button (patent pending) and the A button together and a little achievement will pop up congratulating you on your achievement for pressing a button. This can be done as many times as you like. No it doesn't give you any points but we are all aware you love to be called a good boy. Who's a good boy? Yes you are! Wag that invisible tail you.

Press the RA Button (patent pending) and the B button simultaneously and a big man will go and slap whoever designed the RA set you're currently trying to master. For all those times where you've tried to beat Ecco the Dolphin without dying once and failed at the last level, this is for you. We'd ask you to please use sparingly but we all know that will never happen.

Press the RA button (Editor: this joke is getting on a bit please stop it) and the X button at the same time and whatever game you're playing will instantly change to 'The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past'. Because its entirely more acceptable to be playing this than it is trying to explain to Mum/Dad/Jesus why you're playing Plumbers Don't Wear Ties for your Peak Streak.

Press the RA Button and the Y button together and you'll be taken to a special area where you can force a poor RA dev to make that one set based off that one game you vaguely remember seeing one day at the bottom of a clearance bin at Blockbuster. After all, we all remember such great hits such as 'Beethoven 2nd', 'Cindy's Fashion World' and 'Russell Grant's Astrology'. Surely such gemstones deserve a set too?

Finally if you press the RA button and all of the L and R buttons together, then the controller will disintegrate into a shower of easily breathable plastic dust, perfect for those times where you feel like ragequitting and destroying whatever lies in front of you. No there isnt a way to put it back together. Yes we are selling these controllers in multipacks of 4, 8 and 20.

So there it is, the RA controller. Buy it now while stocks last and by that, I mean before they all go up in flames in a mysterious insurance-friendly warehouse fire. ORDER TODAY.